Archive | July, 2011

Apple CEO Legally Changes Name to Steve Jobs-Creator

31 Jul

In an effort to prevent congress from raising income taxes, Steve Jobs has taken drastic steps to remind Americans and politicians that he “basically owns this shit”.

“Look you guys,” said Jobs during testimony to the House Committee on Ways and Means “The American public is making the juice, buying the juice, and using the juice—all I’m doing is squeezing the juice out of the ripe fruit that is my brain.  Without me you’ve got no fruit.”  This extended apple metaphor confused Republican chairman David Camp until Steve clarified that he was “a jobs creator”,   a term that has become the ubiquitous descriptor for a wealthy dude in the Republican lexicon.

Immediately Steve’s incredible brain turned the belabored phrase into a catchy signoff “Steve Jobs-Creator, out.” That left congress in a heightened state of agreement nothing short of revolutionary.

Democrats were stunned at the sudden realization that economic policy really was that simple: CEOs need second houses, yachts, extra property, and multi-million dollar personal investment portfolios so that they can feel comfortable and safe enough to determine where, who, when and why the rest of Americans work!

“Steve Jobs made the iPad 2, I bet he could make a Medicare app if he wasn’t paying such high income taxes” mused Congressman Wally Herger.

Jobs was so tickled by his own genius that he decided to file for a legal name change, causing waves of other CEOs to follow suit.  “Steve has always been a game changer in the fortune 500 world” said Larry D. Young-Money of the Dr. Pepper Snapple group.

Steve gives a visual estimation of about how many jobs he can create.

Steve gives a visual estimation of about how many jobs he can create.

“He’s a minimalist.  Leave it to Steve to revive trickle-down Reaganomics with just pure sexy branding.”

Police Grill with Suspect in Attempt to Extract Confession

29 Jul

The Denver Police Department used an innovative grilling strategy to elicit a confession from suspected serial killer Stewart P. Wallace during the wee-hours of the morning this Friday.

Following the realization that Wallace was hell-bent on exercising his Miranda rights, DPD had to react quickly in order to begin building a case around what was mostly circumstantial evidence.  “After a lot of questioning with no response, we were getting mad hungry” said Lt. Pete Young.  “The suspect actually was the one who suggested we grill out; he probably didn’t have time to eat between his double homicides.”

The new strategy, affectionately known as “the grill and chill” was then immediately employed to lull Wallace into a false sense of security (and drunken food coma) so that police could talk to him in a candid and relaxed environment.  “Well yea I mean we wanted the confession, and when he mentioned he was the head chef at Rioja—it was on.” said Young.

DPD snapped into action pulling out an emergency George Foreman from storage, while Lt. Young ran to Safeway right quick to pick up charcoal, matches, and Pabst.  “Probably the biggest problem we encountered during the interrogation was the suspect not being able to light the grill.  He kept blaming Young for forgetting the lighter fluid—but it was Match Light, so it really shouldn’t have been an issue.” said Officer Lou Watkins.

This called into question Wallace’s adamancy that he was a culinary expert.  But police were pleasantly surprised to find out “Stew-baby” was in fact telling the truth after sampling his garlic pork tenderloin.

“For the sides, we decided to go with a sort of Americana theme since it’s summer & all” Chief of police Gary Reese explained.  “Plus, Watkins started a vegetable garden outside the precinct, and he’s growing some really fantastic sweet corn.”

The police got the suspect talking during multiple games of corn-hole and really just “had a blast and a half” according to officer Young.

The actual confession came as quite a surprise to DPD during a game of Never-Have-I-Ever at around 1:30 AM EST Friday morning.  “Well, when Lou said ‘Never have I ever killed a human being’ and Stew-baby put down all three fingers, we knew we had our confession.” said Chief Reese.

The police then began the laborious task of cleaning up the debris from the cookout, until deciding it would be best to just wait until morning when everyone was sober.

“It was rather unfortunate he got drunk and confessed immediately, we probably could’ve made it to bars.” lamented Watkins.

US Congress Enlisting NFL Players & Owners to Help with Debt Ceiling Negotiations

27 Jul

Congressional leaders are confident they have found the solution to their impending debt ceiling woes, after learning that players and owners in the NFL have finally reached a conclusion to lockout negotiations.   Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate have put together a joint resolution to allow the NFL players association & NFL Board of directors to act in their legislative stead in order to reach an agreement on the debt issue.

“Finally some people that know how to compromise can get involved!” exclaimed Joe Biden, following a long discussion with Chad Ocho Cinco about using goofy antics to break the ice during a stolid closed doors debate.

After solving one of the most critical issues the United States has faced in decades with almost no time left on the clock, the NFL can finally relax and work on simpler issues like America’s 14 trillion dollar debt.

“Look if you throw a bunch of opinionated people into a room, and some of those people have sheer talent and worked hard to get in, and some of those people just have a sh**tload of money and bought their way in, it’s gonna be tough to compromise… that’s what we’re facing in both houses of congress right now.” mentioned Harry Reid.

The NFL has promised it will take swift action on the debt issues, and most likely move on to reducing medicare costs for the public, streamlining social security to ensure solvency, and reforming the tax code.

When asked if the NFL could reach a deal before the August 2nd default deadline, House speaker John Boehner responded “They took their sweet time on solving the lockout crisis, but they’ve got over a week to do this debt thingy”.

Republicans have really connected with the players association’s stubborn refusal of pay cuts that could possibly damage the top 1% of their entourages.  While Democrats have connected with the pretentious intelligence of the NFL owners who argue they know how best to spend money they didn’t really earn.

“Either way there’s a lot of money getting frivolously tossed around by those NFL cats, which works great in Washington.”  Chimed in Senator Mitch McConnell.

“People think if we really wanted to fix the debt, we would… but that’s just not true! We can’t compromise, we don’t really know how!” jabbered Michelle Bachmann.  Bachmann is excited to allow the NFL to solve those pesky congressional issues, so that she can focus on the 2012 presidential campaign.

“It’s gonna be sweet to let them do our job for us.”

John Edwards Accused of Using Smile, Hairdo to Steal Votes

27 Jul

Former Democratic senator John Edwards has been making news headlines following revelations about his scandalous personal life.  But perhaps nothing has been as appalling as the realization that he used a fake smile and hairdo to swindle people into voting for him.

The hairdo, known as the “Frat Comb-over” or the “House in the Hamptons” has been used for years by college aged males to convince unwitting authority figures they aren’t in college just to drink, get laid, and waste their parents’ money.  Edwards used the hairdo in a similar fashion to con the American people into believing he wasn’t in politics just to drink, get laid, and waste money.

Following the surfacing of his extra-marital affair and lovechild, further investigations into his cover-ups revealed the extent of his vanity voter fraud.

“John’s smile was so perfect…  In the voting booth I physically couldn’t bubble in anyone else’s name.” said Ronald A. Davis a father of three from North Carolina.  “I thought that was a little strange…”

Ronald was shocked to find out that Edwards’ broad toothy smile had been fraudulent,  “You mean all those smiles during the campaign rallies, meet & greets, debates,  talk show appearances, commercials, and baby kissings were FAKE?! …I’ve been had”.

Despite Edwards’ trial date being pushed back until late fall, his lawyers swear they need more time to “prepare an adequate defense”.  The prosecution has speculated the Edwards legal team is simply trying to buy John more time to create a new face.

“We are preparing for John to come out with something fresh, like pouting lips, a furrowed brow, or perhaps just an overall doe eyed pleading look to scam the jury into sympathy.” warned an official statement from the Department of Justice.

“I’m prepared to declare a mistrial if he tries any of that smiley bullshit on me” assured District Court Judge Carlton Tilley.

“But I have to admit, I’m not immune to that hair… does he gel it? I wonder if he clips it back when he plays sports?  I’ll have to watch him play basketball when he goes to prison…  What? Oh yea—no that’s what I said. IF he goes to prison.  I said if.”