John Edwards Accused of Using Smile, Hairdo to Steal Votes

27 Jul

Former Democratic senator John Edwards has been making news headlines following revelations about his scandalous personal life.  But perhaps nothing has been as appalling as the realization that he used a fake smile and hairdo to swindle people into voting for him.

The hairdo, known as the “Frat Comb-over” or the “House in the Hamptons” has been used for years by college aged males to convince unwitting authority figures they aren’t in college just to drink, get laid, and waste their parents’ money.  Edwards used the hairdo in a similar fashion to con the American people into believing he wasn’t in politics just to drink, get laid, and waste money.

Following the surfacing of his extra-marital affair and lovechild, further investigations into his cover-ups revealed the extent of his vanity voter fraud.

“John’s smile was so perfect…  In the voting booth I physically couldn’t bubble in anyone else’s name.” said Ronald A. Davis a father of three from North Carolina.  “I thought that was a little strange…”

Ronald was shocked to find out that Edwards’ broad toothy smile had been fraudulent,  “You mean all those smiles during the campaign rallies, meet & greets, debates,  talk show appearances, commercials, and baby kissings were FAKE?! …I’ve been had”.

Despite Edwards’ trial date being pushed back until late fall, his lawyers swear they need more time to “prepare an adequate defense”.  The prosecution has speculated the Edwards legal team is simply trying to buy John more time to create a new face.

“We are preparing for John to come out with something fresh, like pouting lips, a furrowed brow, or perhaps just an overall doe eyed pleading look to scam the jury into sympathy.” warned an official statement from the Department of Justice.

“I’m prepared to declare a mistrial if he tries any of that smiley bullshit on me” assured District Court Judge Carlton Tilley.

“But I have to admit, I’m not immune to that hair… does he gel it? I wonder if he clips it back when he plays sports?  I’ll have to watch him play basketball when he goes to prison…  What? Oh yea—no that’s what I said. IF he goes to prison.  I said if.”

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