US Congress Enlisting NFL Players & Owners to Help with Debt Ceiling Negotiations

27 Jul

Congressional leaders are confident they have found the solution to their impending debt ceiling woes, after learning that players and owners in the NFL have finally reached a conclusion to lockout negotiations.   Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate have put together a joint resolution to allow the NFL players association & NFL Board of directors to act in their legislative stead in order to reach an agreement on the debt issue.

“Finally some people that know how to compromise can get involved!” exclaimed Joe Biden, following a long discussion with Chad Ocho Cinco about using goofy antics to break the ice during a stolid closed doors debate.

After solving one of the most critical issues the United States has faced in decades with almost no time left on the clock, the NFL can finally relax and work on simpler issues like America’s 14 trillion dollar debt.

“Look if you throw a bunch of opinionated people into a room, and some of those people have sheer talent and worked hard to get in, and some of those people just have a sh**tload of money and bought their way in, it’s gonna be tough to compromise… that’s what we’re facing in both houses of congress right now.” mentioned Harry Reid.

The NFL has promised it will take swift action on the debt issues, and most likely move on to reducing medicare costs for the public, streamlining social security to ensure solvency, and reforming the tax code.

When asked if the NFL could reach a deal before the August 2nd default deadline, House speaker John Boehner responded “They took their sweet time on solving the lockout crisis, but they’ve got over a week to do this debt thingy”.

Republicans have really connected with the players association’s stubborn refusal of pay cuts that could possibly damage the top 1% of their entourages.  While Democrats have connected with the pretentious intelligence of the NFL owners who argue they know how best to spend money they didn’t really earn.

“Either way there’s a lot of money getting frivolously tossed around by those NFL cats, which works great in Washington.”  Chimed in Senator Mitch McConnell.

“People think if we really wanted to fix the debt, we would… but that’s just not true! We can’t compromise, we don’t really know how!” jabbered Michelle Bachmann.  Bachmann is excited to allow the NFL to solve those pesky congressional issues, so that she can focus on the 2012 presidential campaign.

“It’s gonna be sweet to let them do our job for us.”

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