Police Grill with Suspect in Attempt to Extract Confession

29 Jul

The Denver Police Department used an innovative grilling strategy to elicit a confession from suspected serial killer Stewart P. Wallace during the wee-hours of the morning this Friday.

Following the realization that Wallace was hell-bent on exercising his Miranda rights, DPD had to react quickly in order to begin building a case around what was mostly circumstantial evidence.  “After a lot of questioning with no response, we were getting mad hungry” said Lt. Pete Young.  “The suspect actually was the one who suggested we grill out; he probably didn’t have time to eat between his double homicides.”

The new strategy, affectionately known as “the grill and chill” was then immediately employed to lull Wallace into a false sense of security (and drunken food coma) so that police could talk to him in a candid and relaxed environment.  “Well yea I mean we wanted the confession, and when he mentioned he was the head chef at Rioja—it was on.” said Young.

DPD snapped into action pulling out an emergency George Foreman from storage, while Lt. Young ran to Safeway right quick to pick up charcoal, matches, and Pabst.  “Probably the biggest problem we encountered during the interrogation was the suspect not being able to light the grill.  He kept blaming Young for forgetting the lighter fluid—but it was Match Light, so it really shouldn’t have been an issue.” said Officer Lou Watkins.

This called into question Wallace’s adamancy that he was a culinary expert.  But police were pleasantly surprised to find out “Stew-baby” was in fact telling the truth after sampling his garlic pork tenderloin.

“For the sides, we decided to go with a sort of Americana theme since it’s summer & all” Chief of police Gary Reese explained.  “Plus, Watkins started a vegetable garden outside the precinct, and he’s growing some really fantastic sweet corn.”

The police got the suspect talking during multiple games of corn-hole and really just “had a blast and a half” according to officer Young.

The actual confession came as quite a surprise to DPD during a game of Never-Have-I-Ever at around 1:30 AM EST Friday morning.  “Well, when Lou said ‘Never have I ever killed a human being’ and Stew-baby put down all three fingers, we knew we had our confession.” said Chief Reese.

The police then began the laborious task of cleaning up the debris from the cookout, until deciding it would be best to just wait until morning when everyone was sober.

“It was rather unfortunate he got drunk and confessed immediately, we probably could’ve made it to bars.” lamented Watkins.

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