Archive | August, 2011

Scotland Yard Riots in Response to London Riots

17 Aug

Uniformed officers get involved in the fracus after downing several bottles of Scotch and pissing on football fans.

In a surprising turn of events Tuesday morning the London Metropolitan Police took to the streets of Tottenham wearing plain clothes, shouting anti-citizen slurs, and throwing fire bombs at passing cars.  Knewscorp correspondents were able to determine that indeed the police were rioting after witnessing rampant looting and countless acts of baseless property destruction by the Met.

The police riots have been deemed retaliation for the public riots that erupted last week in London, which made law enforcement seem like a group of blind 3rd graders playing cops and robbers.  In a brash move after heated debates over police response and poor performance, Scotland Yard has messaged all wards urging cops to “riot without regard for public safety—you know, to show them what’s what.”

All over London Tuesday drunken cops took to slashing tires on parked cars and setting fire to private residences, while taking turns spray painting I ❤ anarchy symbols on the faces of known looters in their sleep.

“Give these gumps a little taste of their own medicine is what I say,” explained Prime Minister David Cameron to furious onlookers as he handed a symbolic Molotov cocktail to London police commissioner Tim Godwin.

Looters were surprised to return home from work and school Tuesday evening, to find their homes had been re-looted by the Metropolitan Police. “My entertainment system that I had just jacked two days ago was gone…  Touche, you know?”  said one Tottenham resident.

“Oh that system?  Yea that’s downtown at the station now in the briefing room.  We’re going to have some wicked FIFA tournaments,” laughed policeman Robert Whittington as he lit an M-80 firecracker and tossed it into an occupied bathroom stall.

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Rafael Nadal’s Father Disappointed Son Channeling Superpowers Towards Tennis

12 Aug

In an exclusive interview with Knewscorp, Sebastián Nadal, father of tennis star Rafael Nadal, expressed deep disappointment that his son has decided to use his near-boundless supernatural powers to play sports for a living.

According to his father, the six-time French Open champion was stung by a scorpion near the Los Alamos National Laboratories during a childhood visit to the United States. He soon after developed superhuman strength, agility, perceptiveness, deductive ability, and empathy, as well as the abilities to stop time, breathe underwater, and hypnotize wild animals.

“I suppose I could think of something Rafa can’t do,” said Nadal, “but it would take me a very long time.  He could do so much good for the world. He could end hunger or fight crime. So why does he play tennis? He’s killing his mother.”

“Levitate,” Nadal added. “He can’t levitate. Yet.”

Anonymous sources report that tensions within the Nadal family have been building in recent years. “It started when he foiled a jewel heist during the family trip to London in 2009,” said one. “The police wanted him to come in the next day to consult on a series of suspicious disappearances, but he said he couldn’t because Wimbledon was coming up and he had to work on his grass game. That really upset Sebastián.”

When he perceived through an uncanny sense of future events that this article was to be published, Rafael Nadal telepathically issued to Knewscorp the following statement: “I regret the pain my life choices have caused my loved ones. I just want to be the best tennis player I can be, and I hope that one day my father can accept that, despite my demigod-like abilities to mold the world like putty in my image, that is the path that will bring me the most happiness.”

Rafael Nadal seen wasting his ability to breathe underwater as he goofs off with a tennis racket.

“That is nonsense,” replied the elder Nadal. “Rafa could beat Djokavic and Federer at the same time without a racket if he wanted to. Why does he ever lose at all? The boy is just lazy.”

Awesome Jobs Sector Unemployment Falls to 99.997% in July

11 Aug

Unfortunately the James Bond franchise is still maintaining a hiring freeze for college students looking to play James Bond after graduation.

According to the jobs report published this week by the U.S. Labor Department, the percentage of Americans of working age without a really amazing job fell in July from 99.998% to 99.997%. The news came as a welcome surprise to investors, many of whom feared that the blow dealt to the astronaut and rocket scientist job markets by the winding down of the Space Shuttle program would undermine growth in the entire dream jobs sector.

Labor Department analysts say that National Geographic’s adding four new photographer positions and a private Hawaiian high school’s hiring a tenure-track philosophy teacher right out of college, combined with modest but steady growth in the rock critic, video game designer, and field archaeologist sectors, more than offset those losses.

President Barack Obama had this to say at his morning news conference, “This is fantastic news, but we have a long way to go.  I think every day about the millions of Americans without fabulous employment. The recession is over, but it doesn’t feel like it to that college graduate who didn’t get hired by the Daily Show or to the veteran who can’t get her blog syndicated by Huffington Post. This jobs report, though, shows we are on our way to real recovery.”

Thomas Green, 22, is among those who found stunningly cool employment in July. “I got hired by this think tank to just come up with ideas about how to make the world a better place,” said Green. “I work in this open plan office with toys and rubiks cubes and ukuleles everywhere, and my coworkers are all really cool guys. I’m not there much, though, what with all the international travel my job entails.”

But he acknowledges the less than rosy picture for the 99.997% of Americans without well-paying and creative employment that leaves time for hobbies and socializing. “I had a college buddy who just got turned down for that Groupon job he went out for. Now he’s going back to school to get a certificate in accounting. I just hope our politicians can work together to figure a way out of this mess.”

Congress Screens New Final Destination Movie, Decides to Tax Everything

7 Aug

Following an advance screening of Final Destination 5, congressional leaders held an emergency session this weekend to discuss taxing everything dangerous.

The screening took place in Arlington Virginia, making it difficult for members of congress to return downtown due to their fear of “crossing any damn bridges over any damn water.”  They also ruled out taking the metro after seeing that cars could derail from just a small piece of bubble gum sticking to the tracks.

Once they had walked in a tight-knit group safely back to Capitol Hill, emotions continued to run high.

“Let’s just get it out there—we absolutely have to tax laser eye surgery and acupuncture,” said Senator Orrin Hatch “Did you see that part where that dude fell off the table with all those pins in him and freaking died!?”

Although other members of the Senate Finance Committee quickly agreed, they urged even broader tax measures after screening Final Destinations 1-4 in the congressional lounge.

“Roller coasters, eating sandwiches, and sleeping too??  Jesus, everything is dangerous!” exclaimed Senator Al Franken.  “We need to make everything less accessible, and if that means higher taxes, I’m all for it.”

Wide-eyed congressional leaders explain they were "Too terrified to even drive home" after screening Final Destination 5

Congress seemed stunned to discover that seemingly mundane objects and experiences were 100% more likely to kill a person then cigarettes, junk food, and alcohol combined.

“Our existence is so precarious” squeaked congressman Hal Rogers.   “Just think, Americans could be doing simple things like making coffee—and that coffee machine could spark creating smoke, and that smoke could turn an old kitchen fan until it breaks, and that broken kitchen fan could fall onto a set of kitchen knives, and those knives could then fly through the air and stab Americans in the heart!”

New Reality Show to Feature Bachelorettes Competing in Talent Competition and Surviving in Amazonian Rainforest while Playing Charades with Celebrity Bachelors and Avoiding Donald Trump with a Machete

5 Aug

Mark Burnett has struck again, saying he has decided to produce the “Granddaddy of all reality shows” in 2012. The show, aptly titled “The Bachler-Not Yet” will feature 50 of America’s fattest bachelorettes pitted against each other, their weight, the elements, their potential celebrity lovers, and oh yea–a heavily armed Donald Trump dressed in jungle fatigues.

“Well in this industry, if you find a great concept for TV, a powerful concept that really has social and entertainment value like reality television does, you’ve got to beat the idea to near-death until its weakened lungs squeeze out one last desperate breath,” said Burnett in a press release Thursday evening. “We are excited this show could be that last breath.”

The idea for the show came to fruition in the Mark Burnett Reality Show Creation Lab where teams of mathematicians study permutations of already existing reality TV concepts to release as new shows.

“We were working in the lab and Mark was watching Maury like he usually does, and it just popped into his head! Amazing! He doesn’t have to do any calculations, he’s an artist with this stuff.” explained lab tech turned executive producer Dave Broome.

The show, which is set to begin production this February, will have the format of a talent competition like American Idol or America’s Got Talent, only the judges will be Amazonian tribal elders. The bachelorettes will have to win over the elders with talents devoid of the English language or Western culture. Ultimately the judge’s opinions aren’t crucial, as America will vote whether or not the ladies are talented enough (or have lost enough weight) to win immunity and move on to the daily lightning charades rounds. If they can win lightning charades, they will then have the choice between courting their chosen celebrity bachelor or getting married to a random stranger while base-jumping the Iguazu falls.

The show’s major twist came as quite a surprise even to Mark Burnette, when Donald Trump burst into a production meeting and demanded he be allowed to chase contestants around in a murderous rage for the duration of the show.

“Talk about ramping up viewership!” Drooled Burnette.

“He’s still really upset about his failed presidential attempt, so we’re banking on that pent up rage providing some real prime time TV!”

Contestants desperately scrap for dry land after encountering Donald Trump in a shark suit.