Congress Screens New Final Destination Movie, Decides to Tax Everything

7 Aug

Following an advance screening of Final Destination 5, congressional leaders held an emergency session this weekend to discuss taxing everything dangerous.

The screening took place in Arlington Virginia, making it difficult for members of congress to return downtown due to their fear of “crossing any damn bridges over any damn water.”  They also ruled out taking the metro after seeing that cars could derail from just a small piece of bubble gum sticking to the tracks.

Once they had walked in a tight-knit group safely back to Capitol Hill, emotions continued to run high.

“Let’s just get it out there—we absolutely have to tax laser eye surgery and acupuncture,” said Senator Orrin Hatch “Did you see that part where that dude fell off the table with all those pins in him and freaking died!?”

Although other members of the Senate Finance Committee quickly agreed, they urged even broader tax measures after screening Final Destinations 1-4 in the congressional lounge.

“Roller coasters, eating sandwiches, and sleeping too??  Jesus, everything is dangerous!” exclaimed Senator Al Franken.  “We need to make everything less accessible, and if that means higher taxes, I’m all for it.”

Wide-eyed congressional leaders explain they were "Too terrified to even drive home" after screening Final Destination 5

Congress seemed stunned to discover that seemingly mundane objects and experiences were 100% more likely to kill a person then cigarettes, junk food, and alcohol combined.

“Our existence is so precarious” squeaked congressman Hal Rogers.   “Just think, Americans could be doing simple things like making coffee—and that coffee machine could spark creating smoke, and that smoke could turn an old kitchen fan until it breaks, and that broken kitchen fan could fall onto a set of kitchen knives, and those knives could then fly through the air and stab Americans in the heart!”

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