Awesome Jobs Sector Unemployment Falls to 99.997% in July

11 Aug

Unfortunately the James Bond franchise is still maintaining a hiring freeze for college students looking to play James Bond after graduation.

According to the jobs report published this week by the U.S. Labor Department, the percentage of Americans of working age without a really amazing job fell in July from 99.998% to 99.997%. The news came as a welcome surprise to investors, many of whom feared that the blow dealt to the astronaut and rocket scientist job markets by the winding down of the Space Shuttle program would undermine growth in the entire dream jobs sector.

Labor Department analysts say that National Geographic’s adding four new photographer positions and a private Hawaiian high school’s hiring a tenure-track philosophy teacher right out of college, combined with modest but steady growth in the rock critic, video game designer, and field archaeologist sectors, more than offset those losses.

President Barack Obama had this to say at his morning news conference, “This is fantastic news, but we have a long way to go.  I think every day about the millions of Americans without fabulous employment. The recession is over, but it doesn’t feel like it to that college graduate who didn’t get hired by the Daily Show or to the veteran who can’t get her blog syndicated by Huffington Post. This jobs report, though, shows we are on our way to real recovery.”

Thomas Green, 22, is among those who found stunningly cool employment in July. “I got hired by this think tank to just come up with ideas about how to make the world a better place,” said Green. “I work in this open plan office with toys and rubiks cubes and ukuleles everywhere, and my coworkers are all really cool guys. I’m not there much, though, what with all the international travel my job entails.”

But he acknowledges the less than rosy picture for the 99.997% of Americans without well-paying and creative employment that leaves time for hobbies and socializing. “I had a college buddy who just got turned down for that Groupon job he went out for. Now he’s going back to school to get a certificate in accounting. I just hope our politicians can work together to figure a way out of this mess.”


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