Archive | November, 2011

Brothers Form House Super Committee to Cut PlayStation Time

23 Nov

Brian and Sean have been vying for control of house gaming resources since the invention of PlayStation.

Brian and Sean Leary of Campton Hills Illinois have decided to form a house super committee in order to finally resolve the crisis caused by the drastic overspending of their time playing video games.  This move represents a power play by both parties on a highly contentious issue that has been plaguing the Leary family since the PlayStation 3 rose to prominence in the house in 2010.

Only the most powerful players in the Leary house have been allowed into the super committee including unemployed uncle Rex “No Call of Duty” Leary, and 98 year-old WWII veteran grandpa “Mortally-ill” Mort.

Brian Leary will be representing the minority opinion, which maintains that the younger Sean has been hogging the PlayStation for war games while screwing the oldest and poorest out of their playtime.

Seven year old Sean Leary is backed by a majority in the house who argue that when Brian allocates Nintendo Wii time, he’s super inefficient because he doesn’t understand that demand for gaming increases during the late hours of the night, and should be minimally regulated so the market can react to these flucuations.

“That son-of-a-bitch just wants to impose hippie liberal policies like every other namby-pamby kid nowadays. I saw men fight and die for our country so that kid could have a damn electronic-game-box.   AND I’m tired of… tired of… well I’m just tired.  And my feet hurt.” complained Grandpa Mort.

Ironically Grandpa Mort, the most outspoken supporter for Sean’s conservative time policies, doesn’t realize what the time policies are for.  Or what a PlayStation is.  Or what day it is.

Both Leary parents are ecstatic about the formation of the super committee, but were cautiously optimistic after realizing it would be a closed-door debate between elite PlayStation leaders.

“I just really hope they come to realize how drastic the situation is.  I mean Sean’s failing English, and dad sometimes get’s flashbacks from that Nazi-Zombie game.” Remarked Clark Leary.  “They both just need to focus on their education, and things would be a lot better.”

In a recent development calling into question the legitimacy of the committee beyond a simple publicity stunt, both Brian and Sean Leary were overheard making remarks to fellow 5th grader Seth Greenslade following a diplomatic visit to the Greenslade’s for fish sticks and a third viewing of Shrek 2:

“We figured this super committee thing would look really good to our parents…  but we don’t actually care about our education. Everyone knows we just want to keep playing PlayStation.”


Scientists Find 99% of Neutrino Particles Faster than Speed of Light, Other 1% Found to be a Bunch of Conservative Elitist Bastards

18 Nov

Police have been trying to shut down protesting neutrinos, but it's tough because they're not visible to the naked eye.

In another shocking repeat experiment testing the ability of Neutrino particles to travel at speeds faster than the speed of light, 99% of the particles tested were found to loathe the remaining 1% holding them back from finding employment after reaching Gran Sasso laboratories in Italy.

“Fuck those conservative bastards.  They just want to play by the same old-ass rules that have been dictating physics since the turn of this century.”  said one neutrino particle from Brooklyn, New York.

The 99% who are now occupying the Gran Sasso particle detector in protest, have complained that the 1% are creating global skepticism about what could be  “some really cool new physics shit man!”  Preventing this new generation of go-getter high tech particles from finding future employment in hip new experiments.

“What they don’t understand is that Neutrino-nature and Neutrino-behavior isn’t A SCIENCE.  It’s theoretical.  We’re all individual particles doing our things you know?  It’s just that 99% of us are getting screwed by 1% who want to keep people from realizing the truth about economics–er physics.”

The entire history of special relativity has been called into question by the 99% movements, who have recently unearthed data linking Albert Einstein to Goldman-Sachs and the 2008 housing crisis.

“What we’re realizing is that Einstein colluded with Goldman to keep neutrinos slow and stupid.  Thus preventing them from functioning in society and holding down good jobs.  Then Goldman swooped in and offered mortgages to all these slow jobless neutrinos that would never be able to pay them back.  They then resold the neutrino mortgages as complicated financial instruments.  When the neutrinos couldn’t pay the mortgages back, shit hit the fan.  We’re just trying to get the word out.”