Scientists Find 99% of Neutrino Particles Faster than Speed of Light, Other 1% Found to be a Bunch of Conservative Elitist Bastards

18 Nov

Police have been trying to shut down protesting neutrinos, but it's tough because they're not visible to the naked eye.

In another shocking repeat experiment testing the ability of Neutrino particles to travel at speeds faster than the speed of light, 99% of the particles tested were found to loathe the remaining 1% holding them back from finding employment after reaching Gran Sasso laboratories in Italy.

“Fuck those conservative bastards.  They just want to play by the same old-ass rules that have been dictating physics since the turn of this century.”  said one neutrino particle from Brooklyn, New York.

The 99% who are now occupying the Gran Sasso particle detector in protest, have complained that the 1% are creating global skepticism about what could be  “some really cool new physics shit man!”  Preventing this new generation of go-getter high tech particles from finding future employment in hip new experiments.

“What they don’t understand is that Neutrino-nature and Neutrino-behavior isn’t A SCIENCE.  It’s theoretical.  We’re all individual particles doing our things you know?  It’s just that 99% of us are getting screwed by 1% who want to keep people from realizing the truth about economics–er physics.”

The entire history of special relativity has been called into question by the 99% movements, who have recently unearthed data linking Albert Einstein to Goldman-Sachs and the 2008 housing crisis.

“What we’re realizing is that Einstein colluded with Goldman to keep neutrinos slow and stupid.  Thus preventing them from functioning in society and holding down good jobs.  Then Goldman swooped in and offered mortgages to all these slow jobless neutrinos that would never be able to pay them back.  They then resold the neutrino mortgages as complicated financial instruments.  When the neutrinos couldn’t pay the mortgages back, shit hit the fan.  We’re just trying to get the word out.”


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