Archive | December, 2011

Congress Debates Acronyms to Obscure Internet Acts

18 Dec

Both houses of congress have devolved into dramatic debate recently over how best to obscure the intentions of their respective Internet censorship acts with misleading acronyms.

The House of Representatives originally assigned the task to a subcommittee before deciding that such an important issue needed to be open to floor debate for all house members.  The issue remains how best to hide the meaning of the bill with an innocuous name–and a dull, lengthy acronym.

At first, legislators in the house ran with the Stop Online Piracy Act, or SOPA, because it fit the criteria for a name that completely misguided constituents about the content of the bill.

“We want to remove all Justin Bieber cover videos from YouTube–no questions asked.  They’re a disgrace to America,” said representative Lamar Smith of Texas after admitting the bill had less to do with piracy, and more to do with his personal vendetta against users who imitate the Bieber.

“But unfortunately we can’t come right out and call it the ‘Rid YouTube of Trashy Pop Covers Act’ or the liberal media will have a hissy fit,” continued Smith.

Although SOPA accurately deflected the bill’s true intentions, congressional members maintained that the acronym was too catchy.  The acronym fails the standard congressional litmus test for controversial bills that demands letters have no discernible pronunciation or otherwise memorable lexical value.

“Let’s get this baby into NCLBA territory,” said cosponsor Howard Berman of California. “People don’t even remember what the hell NCLBA stands for, and it’s destroyed public education.  If we can think of a good acronym, we might be lucky enough for this act to destroy the Internet too.”

Fierce debate has led to many ideas, including the currently leading “Really Fun Bill For Protection” or RFBFP, which has a name that could be construed to relate to any public policy issue, and an acronym that no one will remember.

“It’s a rhetorical gem,” said California Rep Adam Schiff, “It seems super friendly, and in no way betrays our true intentions to sue the pants off anybody who posts a YouTube video of themselves covering a Katie Perry song,”

So far Lamar Smith representing CC Media Holdings (and a few people in the 21st District of Texas), has been the only opposition to the RFBFP because CC Media would prefer the bill have no name or acronym at all.





Romney Bets Private Jet Perry is Wrong about that Keanu Reeves Movie

12 Dec

Romney and Perry could only agree that the movie in question was a Keanu Reeves classic.

Sparks flew in Iowa as the 12th Republican presidential debate became heated between hopefuls Mitt Romney and Texas Governor Rick Perry.  The rivals became extremely frustrated with each other over the course of the night, creating awkward silences and bad jokes that eventually culminated in Romney betting his private jet.

The conflict arose over a disagreement between Perry and Romney about the name of that Keanu Reeves Movie where the two dudes go back in time to study for their history project.

Perry threw the first punches by lashing out at Romney for referring to the movie by the name “Wayne’s World”, which actually refers to a famous Mike Meyers sketch and subsequent movie about two dudes.

“You’re just applying blanket names to completely distinct dude movies.  The American public doesn’t deserve your misguidance,” jabbed Rick Perry.

But when asked to clarify the name of that Keanu Reeves movie, Rick Perry couldn’t seem to remember: “Um… you know, the thing about it is they’re very similar.  But that’s what I’m saying.  Mitt wants to do everything the same old Massachusetts way, just like with healthcare…” he stumbled.

“Ya know Rick, I’ve seen the movies—and they’re not nearly as similar as you’re making them out to be.  I can admit my memory isn’t perfect, but I am one-hundered percent sure it is better than yours.  Bringing healthcare into this because you can’t remember the name is insulting to the American people and Keanu Reeves,” fired Romney, who then continued to press Perry to name the movie if he was so sure of himself.

After an awkward silence, Rick Perry mumbled, “I mean I believe it was Bill and Fred’s Awesome Adventures because they said ‘awesome’ a lot.”  Upon which Romney immediately bet Perry his private Jet, ‘Mor-Man 1’, that there was “no way in hell” that was the name of the movie.

Perry did not accept the bet during the televised clash, but there were rumors from the Romney camp that following the debate Perry challenged him to Keanu Reeves movie trivia for the entire fleet of Romney private transport, including: 4 buses, the Mor-man 1 jet, multiple cars and limos, and 4 lines of the Boston subway system.

The media has noted how the magnitude of the bets might look out of touch to the public in times of such economic uncertainty, but Mitt Romney clarified elegantly by noting that “the value of my private transport pales in comparison to my amassed wealth from Bain & Company.”

Writer Decides to Focus on Self for Once

11 Dec

34-year-old journalist, blogger, and novelist Randolph Knowles, who has been doing nothing but bolstering his writing career for the last 14 years, has decided to finally do a little something for himself.

The writer has had virtually no time to do anything for himself for the past decade, as he has been busy focusing exclusively on having really awesome life experiences so that he can write award-winning novels about them.

Knowles first realized he was being completely self-less one day when walking alone on his father’s estate outside Charlottesville, Virginia relentlessly brainstorming characters for his novel on love and European neofunctionalism.

“It just kind of hit me, that I had given my whole life to writing.  I was never giving myself the light of day without thinking about how I was living, and how that could translate into a character, or how I should be living so that my characters would improve.  None of it was about me you know?  Me.  Randolph Knowles.” Opined the noble writer.

Knowles’ liberal Arts education at Davidson College also left very little time to focus on himself since class sizes were small and professors were always engaging him in rigorous intellectual exchanges.

“Randolph was incredibly focused on getting other people to read his writing.  What made him a true altruist was that he didn’t enjoy himself until other people were enjoying his brilliance,” remembers English professor Wilson Hennings.

The 34-year-old writer plans to spend the holiday season scuba diving in Key West—Only the fourth time he’s visited the Keys, and the first time he will be there solely to focus on his own personal well-being.

“It’s going to be a well deserved respite,” explained Knowles.  “When I return I hope to continue focusing on myself.  I plan to start yoga for my physical health, hire a guru to soothe my anxiety, and contract a Sherpa so that I never have to lift anything heavy.  I’ve got to do some small things for me.”

Fearful Investors Fear Investing Fears

10 Dec

Reports suggest that many investors are afraid of how afraid of investing fears other investors are afraid of.

There are a lot of really scary things to be worried about that are driving these fearful fears of investing fears within the global economic context. There are wars that could potentially break out, diseases that could suddenly strike, weather that could suddenly turn bad, fender-benders that can unexpectedly occur, teeth that can be forgotten to be brushed, and toes that can be randomly stubbed.

“Life is fucking scary,” boasts Nationwide Insurance’s new online ad campaign.

But the scariest thing to investors seems to be the possible trepidations of their investor counterparts over their appropriate investing concerns.

In other words investors seem to be worried that other investors have a lot of worries about traditional investing worries, and are therefore too worried to worry about buying or selling.

“I’m just really scared people are going to be too spooked,” said hedge fund manager Brian Welsh.

“Well in my humble opinion we should be worrying about the fact that people are going to be too terrified to be spooked,” responded assistant manager Ryan Stern.

Ultimately economists, who are scared into understanding these situations the best, are extremely suspicious of investor suspicions.

“What we’re dreading is a how markets could be shocked by all of the alarm being felt by investors about other investors right now,” said Ben Bernanke.

Most non-investors aren’t yet feeling petrified of the investor’s terror. In fact, many middle-class average Joes seem to be going on with daily life quite normally. But this makes investors like Ryan Stern quite apprehensive about their indifference:

“I’m mortified. The fact that all these people aren’t even afraid of having no fear about investor worries for investing fears. It’s horrifying.”

Investors busy fretting about each others' feelings.

Climate Change Talks Halted by Dan’s Depressing Friend

9 Dec

A lonely-ass bar frequented by Dan's friend before political action meetings.

Vibrant discussions amongst members of UNLV’s climate change action committee were stalled last Thursday evening by Dan’s depressing friend.

The super-depressing friend, who has been an acquaintance of Vice President Dan Haggerty since elementary school, brought an immediate halt to negotiations after nonchalantly mentioning humanity was “on a nonstop train towards environmental destruction no matter what.”

Apparently the action committee, immediately bothered by the existential tone, asked him to expand on his dismal prophecy.  To which he responded with a full detailed explication of how each and every one of them was contributing to the eventual extinction of the human race.

Dan, who was at first embarrassed by the antics, eventually stood by his friend in solidarity and nodded solemnly as he realized the depressing son-of-a-bitch had a point.

Others were not so taken by Dan’s friend’s antics, and began to question why his sad, pessimistic outlook on life was even relevant to what was supposed to be an action committee.

“Obviously we know the situation is bad… but he doesn’t have to say the polar bears are ‘fucked’… I mean that’s just unnecessarily negative,” said Martha Davis, who left the meeting in tears.

After a passionate rebuttal arguing that global warming could be curbed with innovative energy technologies and drastic cultural reformations, Dan’s sad-ass friend simply responded:

“Human nature tends towards uncontrolled population growth, and uncontrolled growth always overwhelms the carrying capacity of the environment.  AKA we’re all gonna have sex and then die out, just like nature wants.”

Several indignant students left at this point, while others decided to stay put and begin a contemplative drowning of their newfound fears in the handle of Whiskey Dan’s friend began passing around.

Blagojevich Maintains He Can Buy His Innocence

8 Dec

Blagojevich, pictured here assuring police he can "get them each like 200 bucks" for selling his suit, before being arrested in 2008.

Embattled former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is still maintaining he has the resources to buy his innocence after being handed a 14-year prison sentence for corruption.

Blagojevich was removed from office after undeniable accusations surfaced that he tried to auction Barack Obama’s senate seat.  But Blagojevich has continued to argue he did nothing wrong that a nice stack of Benjamin Franklin’s can’t fix.

Early on, it appeared that Blagojevich definitely had the money, political connections, and where-with-all to buy himself out of the mess.  But as details continued to surface about the case, it became clear that litigating the political nightmare would create an insurmountable amount of legal fees for Blagojevich, leaving him unable to pay off the appropriate parties to guarantee his innocence.

The former governor first tried unsuccessfully to bribe US District Court Judge James Zagel with his lake house. But the only bribe Judge Zagel would have accepted is an empty senate seat, which Blagojevich desperately continued to offer even though he clearly no longer had the power to give one away.

The 14-year prison sentence indicates the feeling of resentment felt by most jury members toward Blagojevich after receiving only two crumpled five-dollar bills, 3 IOU’s, and a stick of gum as an impromptu bribe ten minutes before deliberations.

“As a citizen of Illinois, I frankly felt really insulted.  We’re used to politicians being able to keep the corrupt political machine well… oiled, if you will.  This stick of juicy fruit isn’t oiling shit,” said jury member Frank Watterson.

Despite the grim outlook and obvious financial problems for the former governor, Blagojevich swears he will be able to scrape together sufficient change to at least buy off the prison bus driver, or a guard at the maximum-security facility.

“If I can start small, with the little fish, and work my way back up to the big fish, I’ll be running for US congress in no time.  I’m just still waiting on a few credit cards to clear and you’ll have your money people… I swear to God,” pleaded Blagojevich as he was led away in shackles.

Minor Trapped in Coal Mine Job

7 Dec

Minors often get stuck working in coal mines in West Virginia.

17-year-old Jeremy Bernard Hanks remains trapped working a dead end job in a coal mine owned by his father in West Virginia.

After two months without access to proper food, water, or human contact—Jeremy continues to suffer everyday in a soul-crushing lightless environment.

The minor was first trapped in his Dad’s house for sixteen years, suffocating under the oppressive rules and antiquated curfews his alcoholic father imposed.  Following his 17th birthday Jeremy was again trapped, this time in his father’s coal mine after a collapse of will power to seek out another job.

“My Dad keeps yelling down the mine shaft that this is a character building experience.  But he’s not the one trapped down here,” said Jeremy over a phone line passed down into the mine, (Knewscorp refused to go down into that shitty, hellish, death trap for an interview).

Jeremy’s mother, Elise Hanks is extremely concerned about her son’s mental state and has enlisted local law enforcement to rescue her son from the dead end job.  Sergeant John Fiske of the Buckhannon Police Department attempted to reach Jeremy and pull him out of the mine with an offer of free enrollment at the police academy.  Mrs. Hanks was shocked to learn that the offer from the police could not wrest her son from the mine, because Jeremy preferred manual labor to being “some phony cop”.

“What we have here is a classic predicament: The minor is deep inside this coalmine, and both he and his father are in denial about the gravity of the situation.  But if he stays trapped down there without a future much longer, his soul will die,” said Sergeant Fiske in a prepared media statement.

The media frenzy surrounding Jeremy’s predicament is largely due to sympathy from fellow echo boomers similarly trapped in what they believe to be underwhelming jobs.  A belief based largely on parentally inflated expectations.

“I just can’t wait until I’m 18 and can apply to college,” said Jeremy.

Despite his optimism, bystanders are speculating that college won’t rescue Jeremy from the mine since he dropped out of high school in order to shaft himself fulltime.