Gingrich Steals Christmas

5 Dec

As if being light-years more intelligent and lucky than his fellow Republican presidential candidates wasn’t enough, Newt Gingrich has stolen Christmas from Michelle Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Herman Cain, and Rick Perry—just to be a douche.

Jealousy had been growing in camp Gingrich as all of the whos who of Republicanville kept capturing media attention with clumsy campaign gaffes.  Despite leading in the polls, and in realistic chances of beating Obama, Gingrich’s jealousy got the best of him.

Dressed in a fake Santa suit and Ronald Reagan mask, Newt busted through the brick chimneys of his competitors with a predator drone before ordering his minions to rappel in and steal all of their presents.

Some speculate that the Gingrich’s antics reflect his frustrations with tight shoes and clothes after significant weight gains since his stint as Speaker of the House.  But others have charged that his actions are due to a rare medical condition, being born without a heart.  The only other person in the world who shares this heart condition is Dick Cheney, who has had several unsuccessful surgeries to correct it.

“Yea he was being a real Dick.  When I asked him why, he thought up a lie—and he thought it up quick.  I should have shot him,” said former Texas governor Rick.

“God dammit, I’m not even in the race anymore!  He stole all the gifts for my bitc—er the women in my life,” protested Herman Cain to knewscorp after awaking to find himself naked and tied down to his bed.  “Um.  The Gingrich didn’t do this though… I was hot, and I got tired of tossing and turning,” explained Cain.

Newt was unable to steal Christmas from Ron Paul, who only gives and receives gifts of gold bullion which he keeps locked in a secure personal bunker.

“RP dresses up nightly as Paul Revere and guards the bunker with a musket and dagger,” said sources close to the Ron Paul campaign.

Newt is now threatening to drive the gifts to the top of Mt. Rushmore and dump them, after replacing George Washington’s face with his own.  But many of the Republican hopefuls are simply choosing to ignore him, touting the fact that they can buy replacement gifts with their campaign funds.

“We all knew he was going to do something neurotic like this,” sighed Mitt Romney “He was a total douche in the nineties.  He’s still a douche today.”

In a related story, Michelle Bachmann is being accused of insurance fraud for claiming Newt stole presents given to her by her 23 foster children, all 23 of whom swear no gifts were ever bought or sent.

Newt smugly shows exactly how many nights it took him to jack Christmas from his competitors.

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