Blagojevich Maintains He Can Buy His Innocence

8 Dec
Rod-Blagojevich

Blagojevich, pictured here assuring police he can "get them each like 200 bucks" for selling his suit, before being arrested in 2008.

Embattled former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is still maintaining he has the resources to buy his innocence after being handed a 14-year prison sentence for corruption.

Blagojevich was removed from office after undeniable accusations surfaced that he tried to auction Barack Obama’s senate seat.  But Blagojevich has continued to argue he did nothing wrong that a nice stack of Benjamin Franklin’s can’t fix.

Early on, it appeared that Blagojevich definitely had the money, political connections, and where-with-all to buy himself out of the mess.  But as details continued to surface about the case, it became clear that litigating the political nightmare would create an insurmountable amount of legal fees for Blagojevich, leaving him unable to pay off the appropriate parties to guarantee his innocence.

The former governor first tried unsuccessfully to bribe US District Court Judge James Zagel with his lake house. But the only bribe Judge Zagel would have accepted is an empty senate seat, which Blagojevich desperately continued to offer even though he clearly no longer had the power to give one away.

The 14-year prison sentence indicates the feeling of resentment felt by most jury members toward Blagojevich after receiving only two crumpled five-dollar bills, 3 IOU’s, and a stick of gum as an impromptu bribe ten minutes before deliberations.

“As a citizen of Illinois, I frankly felt really insulted.  We’re used to politicians being able to keep the corrupt political machine well… oiled, if you will.  This stick of juicy fruit isn’t oiling shit,” said jury member Frank Watterson.

Despite the grim outlook and obvious financial problems for the former governor, Blagojevich swears he will be able to scrape together sufficient change to at least buy off the prison bus driver, or a guard at the maximum-security facility.

“If I can start small, with the little fish, and work my way back up to the big fish, I’ll be running for US congress in no time.  I’m just still waiting on a few credit cards to clear and you’ll have your money people… I swear to God,” pleaded Blagojevich as he was led away in shackles.

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