Climate Change Talks Halted by Dan’s Depressing Friend

9 Dec

A lonely-ass bar frequented by Dan's friend before political action meetings.

Vibrant discussions amongst members of UNLV’s climate change action committee were stalled last Thursday evening by Dan’s depressing friend.

The super-depressing friend, who has been an acquaintance of Vice President Dan Haggerty since elementary school, brought an immediate halt to negotiations after nonchalantly mentioning humanity was “on a nonstop train towards environmental destruction no matter what.”

Apparently the action committee, immediately bothered by the existential tone, asked him to expand on his dismal prophecy.  To which he responded with a full detailed explication of how each and every one of them was contributing to the eventual extinction of the human race.

Dan, who was at first embarrassed by the antics, eventually stood by his friend in solidarity and nodded solemnly as he realized the depressing son-of-a-bitch had a point.

Others were not so taken by Dan’s friend’s antics, and began to question why his sad, pessimistic outlook on life was even relevant to what was supposed to be an action committee.

“Obviously we know the situation is bad… but he doesn’t have to say the polar bears are ‘fucked’… I mean that’s just unnecessarily negative,” said Martha Davis, who left the meeting in tears.

After a passionate rebuttal arguing that global warming could be curbed with innovative energy technologies and drastic cultural reformations, Dan’s sad-ass friend simply responded:

“Human nature tends towards uncontrolled population growth, and uncontrolled growth always overwhelms the carrying capacity of the environment.  AKA we’re all gonna have sex and then die out, just like nature wants.”

Several indignant students left at this point, while others decided to stay put and begin a contemplative drowning of their newfound fears in the handle of Whiskey Dan’s friend began passing around.


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