Fearful Investors Fear Investing Fears

10 Dec

Reports suggest that many investors are afraid of how afraid of investing fears other investors are afraid of.

There are a lot of really scary things to be worried about that are driving these fearful fears of investing fears within the global economic context. There are wars that could potentially break out, diseases that could suddenly strike, weather that could suddenly turn bad, fender-benders that can unexpectedly occur, teeth that can be forgotten to be brushed, and toes that can be randomly stubbed.

“Life is fucking scary,” boasts Nationwide Insurance’s new online ad campaign.

But the scariest thing to investors seems to be the possible trepidations of their investor counterparts over their appropriate investing concerns.

In other words investors seem to be worried that other investors have a lot of worries about traditional investing worries, and are therefore too worried to worry about buying or selling.

“I’m just really scared people are going to be too spooked,” said hedge fund manager Brian Welsh.

“Well in my humble opinion we should be worrying about the fact that people are going to be too terrified to be spooked,” responded assistant manager Ryan Stern.

Ultimately economists, who are scared into understanding these situations the best, are extremely suspicious of investor suspicions.

“What we’re dreading is a how markets could be shocked by all of the alarm being felt by investors about other investors right now,” said Ben Bernanke.

Most non-investors aren’t yet feeling petrified of the investor’s terror. In fact, many middle-class average Joes seem to be going on with daily life quite normally. But this makes investors like Ryan Stern quite apprehensive about their indifference:

“I’m mortified. The fact that all these people aren’t even afraid of having no fear about investor worries for investing fears. It’s horrifying.”

Investors busy fretting about each others' feelings.


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