Archive | January, 2012

Homeless Man Accuses Wikipedia of Intellectual Property Theft Following Blackout

19 Jan

Local Homeless man Joseph “Hobo Joe” Clark accused Wikipedia of intellectual property theft on Thursday after the online encyclopedia blacked out in protest of the impending US Senate vote on the Protect IP Act.

Hobo Joe claims he began blacking out 40 years ago during high school before dropping out to pursue innovative black out methods fulltime.

He swears he only recently perfected the trade after sinking into a cycle of alcoholism, dimentia, and life on the street in his mid-fifties.

KnewsCorp was surprised to discover that Joe holds a US patent on the concept of blacking out, and has trademarked the “protest blackout” after sleeping through multiple protests in downtown Washington, DC.

So far Wikipedia has declined to comment on Joe’s accusations, but legal experts suspect that this kind of serious intellectual property theft won’t go un-prosecuted.

“Joe has serious legal standing.  Wikipedia was insultingly brash, and millions of people witnessed the theft.  They’re criminals and should be brought to justice,” said Joe’s lawyer, who spoke for his client when Joe blacked out during our interview.

Perhaps most impressive is that Joe has been running a Limited Liability Corporation, called ClarkOut, of fellow homeless drunks and black outs.  The group has been lobbying Washington in support of PIPA and SOPA to combat intellectual property theft by college students who talk about blacking out online.

The ClarkOut LLC executive board met late Wednesday night at a shipping yard in Baltimore to discuss taking legal action, and fallout from the theft of their primary intellectual product.

“It was a dirty tactic,” said Chief Panhandling Officer (CPO) and Brooklyn Bridge resident Party-boy Mike.  “Protecting our practice of censoring our reality by blacking out, by lobbying congress to black out, was really upset by Wikipedia’s theft of our black outs.”

“I’m confused,” added a homeless man who happened upon the meeting hoping to score some liquor.

First Lady Uses Drones For Parking Spot At J.Crew

16 Jan

Michelle Obama seen here explaining to a man who was double parked how her fists are like predator drones.

Predator drones flew over Washington, D.C. this weekend when first lady Michelle Obama couldn’t find a parking spot at J.Crew.

Obama had reportedly been driving around for a half hour before growing frustrated and placing a call to the Department of Defense on her cell phone.

The threat of the drones, which were armed with Hellfire missiles, was enough to free up many parking spaces near the clothing boutique’s Georgetown Park location. There were no reports of injuries or weapons being fired.

“I had no idea it was Michelle Obama,” said Rory Hudson, one of the many J.Crew shoppers who fled the area when an announcement about the drones was made over the store’s intercom.

“I would have moved if she had just asked me,” Hudson added. “And, if she wanted to intimidate me, all she had to do was walk up and flex her arms.”

Malia Obama, 13, was waiting on the curb for her mother to park. According to witnesses, Malia said, “Mom, you’re totally embarrassing me,” while rolling her eyes and covering her face with her hands a number of times.

The incident is the first deployment of armed drones in U.S. territory, but not their first use against American citizens. In September, Anwar al-Awlaki and Samir Khan, Americans with reported ties to Al Qaeda, were killed by drone attacks in Yemen.

President Obama also threatened the lives of the Jonas Brothers — citizens and national treasures of the United States — with Predator drone attacks during the 2010 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner.

Spokesmen for both The Pentagon and J.Crew were not prepared for immediate comment, citing extreme confusion.

Employees of J.Crew’s The Shops at Georgetown Park location have been asked not to speak about the incident.

One employee, however, on condition of anonymity, said the first lady purchased three cashmere sweaters and a pair of ankle boots, although she spent time in the dressing room trying on much more.

French Self-Rating Upgraded

15 Jan

The French government has decided to raise the level of awesomeness they bestow upon themselves and the citizens of France from Awesome+ to triple Awesome++  (AAA++).

The rating is said to indicate their level of cultural relevance and value as a global beacon of coolness.

A lot of factors are taken into account before the Norme et Pauvres (N&P) agency makes a change in the rating that affects the all-important French image amongst its peers.

N&P considers typical social indicators such as club quality, dub step scene, clothing cost, wine per capita, ethnocentrism, and sex appeal of citizen’s shoes.

The recent elevation to AAA++ comes as no surprise to most French citizens.

“We remain trés cool as shit” said Parisian Jacques Chevalier.

But other European countries are questioning the legitimacy and objectivity of ratings agencies like the N&P.

“Actually I’m just questioning why you consider this news?” wondered German Prime Minister Angela Merkel.

“It’s French people, loving themselves.  Nothing too out of the ordinary really,” said Spanish president Mariano Rajoy.

The N&P has upgraded the level of French awesomeness every year since the creation of the ratings agency, and spokesman Jean-Luc Fournier has indicated this trend will continue, like most other trends in France.

French people tend to think so highly of themselves they play rugby in suits.

“It is the easiest government job I have ever had,” admitted Fournier.  “And state benefits are incredible, because this country is mad chill.  Just try this Chablis.”

Occupy Cordova: Lost in the Snow

12 Jan

Around 99% of Cordova's 2,000 residents took shelter when the snow began to fall.

By Andrew Harrell, Correspondent

It’s not uncommon to see someone dig himself up out of the snow from seemingly nowhere this week in Cordova, Alaska.

What is uncommon is seeing a protestor dig himself up out of the snow from a makeshift tent.

More than 18 feet of snow has piled up during the past week in Cordova, and somewhere underneath it are the local members of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

“We don’t know where they are,” said Randy Wan, who became concerned about the group and started asking neighbors if they knew anything.  “No one has seen them.”

The buildings surrounding the Occupy Cordova encampment are shorter than the current snowfall, so identifying its exact location is difficult at best.  Wan also explained that even if they could see the buildings, no one can remember exactly where the three members of the group have been sleeping and protesting.

At least one of the protestors, Cathy Shaw, didn’t make it back to her residence in time to be snowed in. Rhea Tomlinson, a friend of Shaw’s, said she shoveled over to Shaw’s house but found no signs of life.

“Even the cat was dead” according to Tomlinson.

“Her bitchy neighbor must have stopped feeding it like she was supposed to be doing. And she doesn’t even have to go in the snow, they live in the same hall of an apartment building.”

Cordova Police Spokesman Bruce Lane, reached on his home phone, laughed when asked if a rescue operation is in place.

“No,” Lane added.

Lane did say the Cordova Police Department is asking anyone with information on the whereabouts of the Occupy encampment to call in the information, so that a clean-up team can be sent there when all the snow melts.

Physical Laws Prevent Further McDonald’s Expansion

4 Jan

Although McDonald’s has overcome legal barriers to its expansion many times before, it appears that the laws of physics are beginning to impede the growth of the famous American fast-food restaurant.

The inability of McDonald’s lawyers to fight physical laws preventing matter from existing in the exact time and space as other matter has made it difficult for the company to construct the walls of planned franchises inside the walls of other businesses.  The planned infiltration franchising was proposed for competing businesses where all exterior spaces were already 100% occupied by McDonald’s restaurants—like gas stations and every retail establishment in the world.

So far, there have been mixed reactions to the laws among the McDonald’s elite, some of who don’t believe in physics and are expressing anger over what appears to be a giant left-wing conspiracy against capitalism.

“These laws are an affront to freedom of choice,” said McDonald’s corporate spokesman Kenneth Richardson. “People choose to eat our food.  We are choosing to use the money from their choices to destroy other restaurants from within.  I don’t see why these liberal scientists get to make up laws blocking our choices.”

McDonald’s has long faced physical limitations impeding profits like the inability of underpaid assembly line workers to produce a cheeseburger faster than the speed of light.  But this is the first time the corporation has bumped up against sheer, tested, physical laws.

The real test for the company will be to see if upper management finally realizes the world can’t physically handle any more McDonald’s restaurants.