Archive | February, 2012

Gamer Sees Shadow, Six More Weeks of Mom’s Basement

2 Feb

Local gamer Phil Donaldson finally emerged from his comfortable enclave beneath the living room of his mom’s two-story flat in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania last Tuesday.

Unfortunately, the 23-year-old former college student immediately returned to the basement after seeing light for the first time in two months and getting seriously depressed about his shadow.

Phil has been hyper-gaming all winter, a natural seasonal habit of spineless adult mammals that work at Dominoes after earning a bachelor’s degree in International Studies.

In the small town of Punxsutawney, Phil’s emergence from the basement has become a spectacle for local friends and family.  It is fast becoming a yearly tradition to gather in the living room of the Donaldson residence to discover if Phil will spend time with people again, or if they will have to put up with six more weeks of Skyrim sounds and foul body odor.

Since hyper-gamers lose the ability to socialize and speak fluent English, Tad Hart, Phil’s best friend and former gamer, often has to translate mind numbing rants about magicka level and alchemy into a coherent message for the public.

“Well sometimes he just mumbles excuses like ‘I’ve got some things to finish up in my office’ or ‘Don’t worry about calling, I lost my phone charger’ which I always know means six more weeks of gaming” said Hart.

“The video game speak is tough,” he added.  “Usually  ‘I’m questing ’ means  ‘I’m bingeing on Totino’s pizza rolls and checking the forums’”

Tad takes pride in his ability to translate Phil’s video game babble and has started dressing in a signature long coat and tall bowler cap to distinguish himself from the crowd on the day of the emergence.  Phil’s mom shares the honor of wearing the traditional garb since she is the sole year-round caretaker of the gamer.

Last year, Phil emerged from the basement around 11pm under overcast skies, and it is believed that in total darkness the gamer felt comfortable enough to play a game of Battlefield team deathmatch in the kitchen due to similarities with his natural habitat.

But this year, Phil has decisively indicated he will remain in his mom’s basement for at least another 6 weeks.

“Eff this,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes on his way back down the basement stairs.

Which Tad happily translated as gamer for “Fuck this.”