Archive | May, 2012

NASA Telescope to Look into Future to Complete Itself

30 May

NASA’s absurdly powerful James Webb Space Telescope will be capable of looking into the future to complete itself by 2017.

The project is working to a 2018 launch date, but is once again being threatened by an unconventionally responsible congressional review of its cost and schedule.

The foresight from the James Webb Space Telescope will provide unknown answers to “how to solve a number of baffling problems necessary for the project’s completion,” testified Deputy Project Director Tanner Schmidt during Tuesday’s congressional hearing.

Although still mostly theoretical, this design is the most developed to date.  Those designs, which are drawn in pencil on four used paper napkins, were presented as part of Schmidt’s testimony.

Intended as a successor to the Hubble Space Telescope, the James Webb is designed to pursue the goals of studying the creation and evolution of galaxies, stars and planets.

“This project is attempting to observe the most distant objects in the Universe,” said Kevin Lacey, head designer of the telescope’s Tunable Filter Imager, who also participated in Tuesday’s hearing. When asked how this could be possible given the presumed infinite size of the Universe, Lacey’s eyes widened with sudden realization and he began stammering incoherently while turning very pale.

After being escorted out of the room to spend some time in his sensory deprivation chamber, Lacey returned to tell the panel about conceiving the idea for the telescope while under the influence of “at least peyote, and possibly three or four other things.”

Planning began in 1996 under the name Next Generation Space Telescope. It underwent a number of name changes during the next six years, including Deep Space Nine Telescope, Voyager Space Telescope, Enterprise Space Telescope and The Animated Series Space Telescope.

The current name honors the late NASA administrator James E. Webb, who notably saved the Apollo program by pointing out only hours before the inaugural mission that the spacecraft was aimed for the Sun, not the Moon.

Webb requested in his last will and testament that the giant telescope be named after him.  His body is also buried inside the telescope, in a cryogenically frozen state.

In an amazing feat of precognition, NASA said the  telescope was already able to predict the biggest challenge to its own completion would be congressional funding.

Rep. Norm Dicks (D.-Wash.) said a decision on the telescope’s future will not be made until after the hearings end later this week. But he said continuation of the project looks bleak at the moment.

“These NASA guys need to calm down with the funding requests and realize the federal government has better places to be spending taxpayer money,” Dicks said. “I mean, come on, who do they think they are? A bank?”

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Romney Drinks Reagan Blood at Auction

29 May

Ann Romney said she supports her husband’s decision to drink the blood.

Mitt Romney easily outbid his opponents on Tuesday for a vial of former president Ronald Reagan’s blood, which he then immediately ingested.

The PFC Auction house announced Thursday that it had cancelled the auction in response to complaints from family and friends of the late president. But by Monday morning, Capitol Hill was abuzz with the news that the auction was still on, its cancellation a rumor spread by Republican strategists to try and avoid criticism of the high profile bidders, including Rupert Murdoch and Sarah Palin.

The bidding reached a feverish pace and skyrocketed to $30,000 when Mr. Romney bid the gym socks he plays squash in, which are made of solid gold and together worth more than $2 million.

Upon hearing his name finalized as the winning bidder, the presidential hopeful pushed past the auctioneer and seized the vial before ravenously downing the contents.

“The vial was calling my name,” Mr. Romney explained. “It’s not everyday you get to ingest a spiritual relic, even if you’re a Mormon.”

Although Romney played off the stunt as another quirky maneuver motivated by his oddball religion, the Obama campaign said his blood sucking was purely a political calculation.

“Polls are showing Tea Party conservatives believe he’s actually part Reagan now,” said Obama campaign staffer James Guralt, “He saw the numbers coming in, and was hankering to drink some Gipper juice.”

A USA Today poll also indicated the blood drinking played well with women ages 18-65 that are fans of the Twilight Saga.

“Wait he’s an actual vampire?” said Pres. Barack Obama in an official question released by the White House Tuesday.

Despite the obvious political pandering of the blood drinking, many are speculating the move was simply a sad, desperate attempt at an impossible emulation.  Romney’s mother said in February that the Republican Presidential contender would pretend to be Ronald Reagan in front of the bathroom mirror when he was a governor.

Romney reported he’s felt “no substantial changes” in his leadership abilities a few hours after ingesting the blood, but added that he expects to experience “natural facial movements for the first time, and possibly even a charismatic moment,” in the months leading up to the election.

Private Space Company to Launch International Space Applebee’s

24 May
Space Food

Applebee’s Spinach and Artichoke Dip is easily packaged in vacuum sealed space bags and already has a shelf life of 100 years.

DineEquity Inc. joined the private space race Wednesday by announcing it will launch the first ever International Space Applebee’s.

The announcement follows on the heels of Tuesday’s historic launch of the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket and Dragon spacecraft, which marked a new era for private space exploration in the United States.

DineEquity acquired Applebee’s International Inc. in 2007 following the success of its flagship IHOP franchise.  The company briefly flirted with the idea of an Intergalactic House of Pancakes in 1992 following positive feedback from focus groups, but was stymied by regulations favoring NASA and government funded space exploration.

With NASA’s recent downsizing and cost cutting mechanisms favoring contracts with private space companies, DineEquity has been able to finally capitalize on moon acreage and star registries bought by several employees who used to watch a lot of X-Files.

Julia Stewart, a casual dining visionary and CEO of DineEquity, said she is certain the future of family restaurant chains is in space.  In 2008 Stewart launched DineX, a special venture charged with re-branding the Applebee’s image and bringing it to the same international customer that clamored for pancakes—by launching it into orbit.

“Russians, Americans, Chinese, they’re all going to be hungry up there,” Stewart said. “So I recommend the Ultimate Trio of Potato Poppers, Cheeseburger Sliders and Chicken Wonton Tacos. There’s something for every nationality and ethnic palate.”

DineX engineers haven’t had to change the old Applebee’s model much, saying the Double Glazed Baby Back Ribs served on earth are already freeze dried re-heatables perfect for extended space missions.

“Applebee’s will be a popular rest stop before returning to earth” said famed astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson, “But discerning whether vomiting induced on re-entry is caused by gravitational forces or undercooked pork chops will be difficult.”

Applebee’s Carside To Go will also be infinitely more difficult in a zero gravity environment.  But DineX is confident it can develop a space van that will allow an astronaut mother of three to perform an efficient five minute docking with the International Space Applebee’s.

“Space locations will also be beyond the jurisdiction of the FDA,” said Senior Vice President of Human Resources John Jakubek, “We’re really excited to be able to cut a lot of costs.  We’ll obviously lower our food standards, and new hiring practices will not be subject to war crimes accusations as defined by the Geneva Convention, since it has yet to be applied to any star systems.”

“There’s no place like the galactic neighborhood,” Stewart concluded, “And this is really about local food.  We want everyone to eat their small town pub fare all the time, no matter how logistically and practically impossible that is.  We’ll sacrifice everything to make it happen in space.”

Facebook Movie Sequel Details Leak Online

23 May

Columbia Pictures executives scrambled Tuesday to shut down the leak of a script for the unannounced sequel to its 2010 blockbuster The Social Network.

The script, which has the working title The Status Update, continues the story of Facebook chairman and chief executive Mark Zuckerberg. It begins seconds after the original film’s ending, (revealing that Zuckerberg’s attempt to “friend” his ex-girlfriend on Facebook gets totally denied,) and continues up to the recent initial public offering of stock in the company.

The script was written by Aaron Sorkin, best known for creating television’s The West Wing, rewriting Will Smith’s scenes in Enemy of the State and probably ghostwriting some of the better episodes of The Gilmore Girls. Sorkin won an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay for penning The Social Network, which was based on a book of rumors and hypotheses by Ben Mezrich.

A digital copy of the script was uploaded early Tuesday morning to the site MediaFire.com and went viral within hours. An employee of Columbia Pictures — who asked to remain anonymous because he was high on cocaine — said executives were panicked by the leak because the project was being kept a secret. He added that there was no concern over the release of plot details from the film, noting both that the script was mostly recycled dialogue from previous Sorkin work, and that it is only a first draft that still must be approved by Zuckerberg himself.

The natal stage of the script puts into question who will be involved in the film, both in front of and behind the camera. When reached for comment about the leaked script, The Social Network director David Fincher said he would not be returning for the sequel because “it isn’t turning out to be moody enough for me.”

Actor Justin Timberlake is also unlikely to reprise his role. During publicity for The Social Network‘s release on DVD, Timberlake repeatedly affirmed he had fallen out with Fincher and the film’s producers after they shot down his suggestion to have his character die tragically at the end of the film.

A number of graphic sex scenes in the script also call into question the potential involvement of Jesse Eisenberg, who portrayed Zuckerberg in the original film. Eisenberg’s agent has stated in the past that the actor will only appear in scenes with sexual acts being performed on him, and never in scenes where Eisenberg performs sexual acts on himself or someone else.

Eisenberg declined to comment on his current level of involvement with The Status Update. He did, however, confirm the authenticity of the leaked script and acknowledged he has either read it or had it read aloud to him.

Eisenberg added that production of the film had a false start in March under director Terrence Malick, who dropped the project after growing frustrated by his attempts to replace Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, the team that scored the original film. Malick’s involvement in the project was conditional on hiring Zack Braff to produce the soundtrack, but Braff is already attached as music producer for a film about Jewish online singles network JDate.com.

The Allies Discuss Potential Reunion Tour

22 May

Staff Sergeant Walt Dickerson was a roadie with the Allies during their original European tour.

Global supergroup The Allies, which officially broke up 67 years ago, met this weekend at Camp David to discuss reuniting for one last European tour.

The group reached the height of its international renown in the early 1940s. It disbanded shortly after its explosive yet controversial tour through Japan in the summer of 1945, though many critics point to the group’s wildly successful German tour as the cause of the ideological differences that ultimately split the members apart.

“The unexpected triumph of that spring tour through Germany really went to the head of some of The Allies,” said Dr. Alan Stepwell, professor of International Relations at Berklee College of Music and one of the preeminent scholars on the group’s history. “The cracks between the American and Russian members in particular were very deep, even before they traveled to Japan.”

Most members of The Allies, as well as the majority of their fans, sided with New Wave innovator United States and its band of brothers NATO in its embarrassingly public dispute with Russian-led band–Warsaw Pact, a darker, techno-infused endeavor that is often described as “depressing” yet “captivating.”  Only in the past 20 years have both sides been able to put aside their differences and collaborate again, but not as part of the collective that catapulted them to global prominence.

That all might change, as President Barack Obama met this weekend with many former Allies members.  Invited to join in this special reunion were new additions Japan and Italy, two former members of Axis Powers, the only group to ever compete with The Allies on an international stage.  German Chancellor Angela Merkel also attended the meeting to discuss a potential repeat of The Allies’ dominating Berlin performance during the spring of 1945.

“Right now the only question is the economics of the situation, and how much The Allies expect the German people to fund this extravaganza,” said Chancellor Merkel, adding that she would “love nothing more” than to facilitate a reunion of The Allies since the first tour had clearly brought so much benefit to Germany and its citizens.

State Amendment Would Prohibit Heterosexual Mergers

21 May

Supporters say Amendment 2 supports traditional gay mergers between two men only.

North Carolina will vote in referendum Tuesday on a constitutional amendment to define mergers as only between one man-led company and another man-led company.

The exact ballot language of Amendment 2 will read as follows:

Constitutional amendment to provide that mergers between one man and one man is the only corporate legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.

Proponents of the amendment argue that traditional corporate mergers are historically gay, and have only recently featured heterosexual mergers between male and female owned companies due to women’s empowerment initiatives in the 20th century.  The NC Values Coalition argues powerful women choose this lifestyle, a choice influenced by the decaying moral fabric of modern society.

“This is a matter of preserving traditional mergers,” said Rep. Larry Brown, a Republican. “Since biblical times, all over the world and in every society mergers have only occurred between two men—and for good reason.  Women biologically are incapable of producing companies and startups, so they have no place merging with men.”

Opponents of the amendment said the notion that only two men can raise a successful company is ridiculous and small-minded, citing numerous examples of women taking over companies abandoned from traditional same-sex mergers and raising them as wildly successful socially beneficial businesses.

“We don’t want to support women adopting corporations from proper same-sex mergers,” explained Rev. Billie Graham. “It would be a tumultuous paradigm shift with disastrous consequences. Research has shown over and over again that the most successful companies come from this traditional, sacred, corporate bond between two men.”

Many CEOs and other businessmen from gay mergers held a rally to protect corporate families on Thursday in downtown Raleigh with over 3,500 members of the North Carolina Christian Action League in attendance.

“The passion men have for each other in the business world is unrivaled,” said Rev. Hart Peters of Smithfield, NC. “This is a biological and religious certitude that we cannot allow to be attacked by straight business activists and women who want to fundamentally alter one of the most important human social institutions in America—two men gettin’ down to business.”

103 Year-Old Astrology Expert Calls CNN Sensational

16 May

Although CNN vehemently denies its 24 hour news network largely produces sensational infotainment, a 103 year-old one-legged former marine turned astrologist, thinks otherwise.

Curtis Jepsen, who shares a surname with rising pop star Carly Rae Jepsen (HOT NEW SINGLE available for itunes download!) is the only astrologist to have correctly predicted the royal wedding dress worn by Kate Middleton in 2011.

Mr. Jepsen utilized viral videos and the position of the moon to predict that Kate Middleton would wear a breathtaking all white Chantilly Lace Alexander Mcqueen Gown (available for online purchase!).

Now Jepsen is claiming he received paranormal brainwave signals from a newly discovered star cluster indicating that CNN was only reporting on stories with shock value in order to sell news.

Experts on the Mayan calendar say news of these alien signals have renewed concerns over an apocalypse in the year 2012. Knews Corp plans to extensively research the correlation between these signals and the Mayan calendar in order to report on the most important story of the year, first.

CNN responded to Mr. Jepsen’s criticisms by pointing out their pertinent headlines including– Breastfeeding: How long is too long?, Flesh-eating Bug Victim is ‘Fighting’, and Alaska Grizzly Missing Half a Leg— as hard-hitting investigative journalism that drives at the most important issues facing humanity today.

Knews Corp, as a fair, balanced, and strictly non-sensational news conglomerate stands by CNN in their brave coverage of these incredible stories.