Medical Mystery: Selfless American Teen

15 May

Doctors are struggling to diagnose and treat an American teenager, Louis Pearson, who is exhibiting symptoms of a rare and possibly social life threatening condition.

The Pearson family became concerned when Louis started experiencing abnormally low levels of narcissism at school.  But they didn’t begin to expect medical selflessness until after he failed to add his canned food drives and volunteer tutoring sessions to his college resume.

“When Louis told me he didn’t care about bolstering his high school portfolio as long as he could help people, I knew he was very, very sick” said Louis’s mother, Cindy Pearson.

The Pearson family decided to begin medical testing after Louis’s refusal to audition for the lead role in Jersey Boys, despite being the “best goddamn tenor” at Cedar Ridge High.  By that point, Louis was exhibiting daily symptoms of selflessness that could no longer go untreated.

“He was ambivalent to the facebook and twitter accounts we set up for him.  He wouldn’t blog, and he started skipping tap, piano, and soccer practice in order to volunteer,” sighed Mrs. Pearson “…I just hope they can fix my son.”

Doctors so far have been baffled by Louis’s condition, and are concerned an official diagnosis of medical selflessness could reverse findings that the condition was eradicated in the United States by the end of the 1980s.

“Louis’s condition is extremely unique.  Young people in America, in this generation, need a robust amount of healthy self-aggrandization in order to continue normal brain function.  What we’re seeing in this case is a frighteningly low level of self-promotion,” explains Dr. Hal Andrews of the University of Virginia Medical center.

After consulting with numerous physicians for second opinions and receiving similar feedback, the Pearsons are struggling to come to terms with the possibility of raising a selfless teen.

“It’s every mother’s dream to raise a show-stopper who can make the other moms jealous.  And I suppose I will never have the motherly privilege of buying him headshots and an apartment in Brooklyn so that he can go to auditions–but I’m trying to just remember he’s still my son… and we can market this condition to someone I’m sure of it… I just have to think of a way.”

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