103 Year-Old Astrology Expert Calls CNN Sensational

16 May

Although CNN vehemently denies its 24 hour news network largely produces sensational infotainment, a 103 year-old one-legged former marine turned astrologist, thinks otherwise.

Curtis Jepsen, who shares a surname with rising pop star Carly Rae Jepsen (HOT NEW SINGLE available for itunes download!) is the only astrologist to have correctly predicted the royal wedding dress worn by Kate Middleton in 2011.

Mr. Jepsen utilized viral videos and the position of the moon to predict that Kate Middleton would wear a breathtaking all white Chantilly Lace Alexander Mcqueen Gown (available for online purchase!).

Now Jepsen is claiming he received paranormal brainwave signals from a newly discovered star cluster indicating that CNN was only reporting on stories with shock value in order to sell news.

Experts on the Mayan calendar say news of these alien signals have renewed concerns over an apocalypse in the year 2012. Knews Corp plans to extensively research the correlation between these signals and the Mayan calendar in order to report on the most important story of the year, first.

CNN responded to Mr. Jepsen’s criticisms by pointing out their pertinent headlines including– Breastfeeding: How long is too long?, Flesh-eating Bug Victim is ‘Fighting’, and Alaska Grizzly Missing Half a Leg— as hard-hitting investigative journalism that drives at the most important issues facing humanity today.

Knews Corp, as a fair, balanced, and strictly non-sensational news conglomerate stands by CNN in their brave coverage of these incredible stories.

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