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Romney Drinks Reagan Blood at Auction

29 May

Ann Romney said she supports her husband’s decision to drink the blood.

Mitt Romney easily outbid his opponents on Tuesday for a vial of former president Ronald Reagan’s blood, which he then immediately ingested.

The PFC Auction house announced Thursday that it had cancelled the auction in response to complaints from family and friends of the late president. But by Monday morning, Capitol Hill was abuzz with the news that the auction was still on, its cancellation a rumor spread by Republican strategists to try and avoid criticism of the high profile bidders, including Rupert Murdoch and Sarah Palin.

The bidding reached a feverish pace and skyrocketed to $30,000 when Mr. Romney bid the gym socks he plays squash in, which are made of solid gold and together worth more than $2 million.

Upon hearing his name finalized as the winning bidder, the presidential hopeful pushed past the auctioneer and seized the vial before ravenously downing the contents.

“The vial was calling my name,” Mr. Romney explained. “It’s not everyday you get to ingest a spiritual relic, even if you’re a Mormon.”

Although Romney played off the stunt as another quirky maneuver motivated by his oddball religion, the Obama campaign said his blood sucking was purely a political calculation.

“Polls are showing Tea Party conservatives believe he’s actually part Reagan now,” said Obama campaign staffer James Guralt, “He saw the numbers coming in, and was hankering to drink some Gipper juice.”

A USA Today poll also indicated the blood drinking played well with women ages 18-65 that are fans of the Twilight Saga.

“Wait he’s an actual vampire?” said Pres. Barack Obama in an official question released by the White House Tuesday.

Despite the obvious political pandering of the blood drinking, many are speculating the move was simply a sad, desperate attempt at an impossible emulation.  Romney’s mother said in February that the Republican Presidential contender would pretend to be Ronald Reagan in front of the bathroom mirror when he was a governor.

Romney reported he’s felt “no substantial changes” in his leadership abilities a few hours after ingesting the blood, but added that he expects to experience “natural facial movements for the first time, and possibly even a charismatic moment,” in the months leading up to the election.

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Private Space Company to Launch International Space Applebee’s

24 May
Space Food

Applebee’s Spinach and Artichoke Dip is easily packaged in vacuum sealed space bags and already has a shelf life of 100 years.

DineEquity Inc. joined the private space race Wednesday by announcing it will launch the first ever International Space Applebee’s.

The announcement follows on the heels of Tuesday’s historic launch of the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket and Dragon spacecraft, which marked a new era for private space exploration in the United States.

DineEquity acquired Applebee’s International Inc. in 2007 following the success of its flagship IHOP franchise.  The company briefly flirted with the idea of an Intergalactic House of Pancakes in 1992 following positive feedback from focus groups, but was stymied by regulations favoring NASA and government funded space exploration.

With NASA’s recent downsizing and cost cutting mechanisms favoring contracts with private space companies, DineEquity has been able to finally capitalize on moon acreage and star registries bought by several employees who used to watch a lot of X-Files.

Julia Stewart, a casual dining visionary and CEO of DineEquity, said she is certain the future of family restaurant chains is in space.  In 2008 Stewart launched DineX, a special venture charged with re-branding the Applebee’s image and bringing it to the same international customer that clamored for pancakes—by launching it into orbit.

“Russians, Americans, Chinese, they’re all going to be hungry up there,” Stewart said. “So I recommend the Ultimate Trio of Potato Poppers, Cheeseburger Sliders and Chicken Wonton Tacos. There’s something for every nationality and ethnic palate.”

DineX engineers haven’t had to change the old Applebee’s model much, saying the Double Glazed Baby Back Ribs served on earth are already freeze dried re-heatables perfect for extended space missions.

“Applebee’s will be a popular rest stop before returning to earth” said famed astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson, “But discerning whether vomiting induced on re-entry is caused by gravitational forces or undercooked pork chops will be difficult.”

Applebee’s Carside To Go will also be infinitely more difficult in a zero gravity environment.  But DineX is confident it can develop a space van that will allow an astronaut mother of three to perform an efficient five minute docking with the International Space Applebee’s.

“Space locations will also be beyond the jurisdiction of the FDA,” said Senior Vice President of Human Resources John Jakubek, “We’re really excited to be able to cut a lot of costs.  We’ll obviously lower our food standards, and new hiring practices will not be subject to war crimes accusations as defined by the Geneva Convention, since it has yet to be applied to any star systems.”

“There’s no place like the galactic neighborhood,” Stewart concluded, “And this is really about local food.  We want everyone to eat their small town pub fare all the time, no matter how logistically and practically impossible that is.  We’ll sacrifice everything to make it happen in space.”

State Amendment Would Prohibit Heterosexual Mergers

21 May

Supporters say Amendment 2 supports traditional gay mergers between two men only.

North Carolina will vote in referendum Tuesday on a constitutional amendment to define mergers as only between one man-led company and another man-led company.

The exact ballot language of Amendment 2 will read as follows:

Constitutional amendment to provide that mergers between one man and one man is the only corporate legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.

Proponents of the amendment argue that traditional corporate mergers are historically gay, and have only recently featured heterosexual mergers between male and female owned companies due to women’s empowerment initiatives in the 20th century.  The NC Values Coalition argues powerful women choose this lifestyle, a choice influenced by the decaying moral fabric of modern society.

“This is a matter of preserving traditional mergers,” said Rep. Larry Brown, a Republican. “Since biblical times, all over the world and in every society mergers have only occurred between two men—and for good reason.  Women biologically are incapable of producing companies and startups, so they have no place merging with men.”

Opponents of the amendment said the notion that only two men can raise a successful company is ridiculous and small-minded, citing numerous examples of women taking over companies abandoned from traditional same-sex mergers and raising them as wildly successful socially beneficial businesses.

“We don’t want to support women adopting corporations from proper same-sex mergers,” explained Rev. Billie Graham. “It would be a tumultuous paradigm shift with disastrous consequences. Research has shown over and over again that the most successful companies come from this traditional, sacred, corporate bond between two men.”

Many CEOs and other businessmen from gay mergers held a rally to protect corporate families on Thursday in downtown Raleigh with over 3,500 members of the North Carolina Christian Action League in attendance.

“The passion men have for each other in the business world is unrivaled,” said Rev. Hart Peters of Smithfield, NC. “This is a biological and religious certitude that we cannot allow to be attacked by straight business activists and women who want to fundamentally alter one of the most important human social institutions in America—two men gettin’ down to business.”

103 Year-Old Astrology Expert Calls CNN Sensational

16 May

Although CNN vehemently denies its 24 hour news network largely produces sensational infotainment, a 103 year-old one-legged former marine turned astrologist, thinks otherwise.

Curtis Jepsen, who shares a surname with rising pop star Carly Rae Jepsen (HOT NEW SINGLE available for itunes download!) is the only astrologist to have correctly predicted the royal wedding dress worn by Kate Middleton in 2011.

Mr. Jepsen utilized viral videos and the position of the moon to predict that Kate Middleton would wear a breathtaking all white Chantilly Lace Alexander Mcqueen Gown (available for online purchase!).

Now Jepsen is claiming he received paranormal brainwave signals from a newly discovered star cluster indicating that CNN was only reporting on stories with shock value in order to sell news.

Experts on the Mayan calendar say news of these alien signals have renewed concerns over an apocalypse in the year 2012. Knews Corp plans to extensively research the correlation between these signals and the Mayan calendar in order to report on the most important story of the year, first.

CNN responded to Mr. Jepsen’s criticisms by pointing out their pertinent headlines including– Breastfeeding: How long is too long?, Flesh-eating Bug Victim is ‘Fighting’, and Alaska Grizzly Missing Half a Leg— as hard-hitting investigative journalism that drives at the most important issues facing humanity today.

Knews Corp, as a fair, balanced, and strictly non-sensational news conglomerate stands by CNN in their brave coverage of these incredible stories.

Medical Mystery: Selfless American Teen

15 May

Doctors are struggling to diagnose and treat an American teenager, Louis Pearson, who is exhibiting symptoms of a rare and possibly social life threatening condition.

The Pearson family became concerned when Louis started experiencing abnormally low levels of narcissism at school.  But they didn’t begin to expect medical selflessness until after he failed to add his canned food drives and volunteer tutoring sessions to his college resume.

“When Louis told me he didn’t care about bolstering his high school portfolio as long as he could help people, I knew he was very, very sick” said Louis’s mother, Cindy Pearson.

The Pearson family decided to begin medical testing after Louis’s refusal to audition for the lead role in Jersey Boys, despite being the “best goddamn tenor” at Cedar Ridge High.  By that point, Louis was exhibiting daily symptoms of selflessness that could no longer go untreated.

“He was ambivalent to the facebook and twitter accounts we set up for him.  He wouldn’t blog, and he started skipping tap, piano, and soccer practice in order to volunteer,” sighed Mrs. Pearson “…I just hope they can fix my son.”

Doctors so far have been baffled by Louis’s condition, and are concerned an official diagnosis of medical selflessness could reverse findings that the condition was eradicated in the United States by the end of the 1980s.

“Louis’s condition is extremely unique.  Young people in America, in this generation, need a robust amount of healthy self-aggrandization in order to continue normal brain function.  What we’re seeing in this case is a frighteningly low level of self-promotion,” explains Dr. Hal Andrews of the University of Virginia Medical center.

After consulting with numerous physicians for second opinions and receiving similar feedback, the Pearsons are struggling to come to terms with the possibility of raising a selfless teen.

“It’s every mother’s dream to raise a show-stopper who can make the other moms jealous.  And I suppose I will never have the motherly privilege of buying him headshots and an apartment in Brooklyn so that he can go to auditions–but I’m trying to just remember he’s still my son… and we can market this condition to someone I’m sure of it… I just have to think of a way.”

Google Learns of Yahoo after CEO Quits

14 May

Employees at Google’s global headquarters first learned of the existence of search engine competitor Yahoo.com today after CEO Scott Thompson resigned his post.

Google Associate Albert Choi was reading about Thompson’s resignation on Monday when he had the sudden epiphany that the company in question, Yahoo.com, actually existed.

“At first I did a double take, then I showed my colleagues and we all had a good laugh,” said Choi.

Reactions to the existence of a company attempting to compete with Google’s pervasive search engine dominance were mixed.  At least one Google executive was overheard wondering if people “Yahoo’d things?”, but in general the existence of a competitor seemed laughably unthreatening.

“I was mostly mystified.  I’m curious if they have like, a Yahoo Earth or Yahoo Docs or Yahoo Images…?”  mused Google cofounder Larry Page.

Some Google employees seemed vaguely annoyed that Yahoo also had a goofy, nonsensical, company name.  But others thought it might be a form of flattery.

“Really, it’s cute.  It’s sort of like when my son gets on his tricycle and rides around with me on my road bike.  He just wants to be me,” mentioned Google Search Optimizer Leo Phillips.

Yahoo.com declined Knewscorp’s request for an interview, making it impossible to objectively confirm their existence.

Many Google employees previously thought Yahoo headquarters was a Children’s museum.


Giant Bank Makes Giant Mistake, Everyone Super Surprised

11 May

A gigantic bank has made a gigantic mistake stunning an enormous number of people.

JP Morgan Chase, a big-ass-bank that combined two moderately-big-ass-banks in the year 2000, surprised even itself on Wednesday with $2bn losses, since normally big-ass banks never make  mistakes like gambling with gargantuan sums of other peoples’ money.

“It’s like, these bankers are so smart & big & stuff.  I usually love how they just plug my money into a computer and more money comes out!” said Herb Martin, a father of two and avid bank account opener.

US lawmakers were also super surprised since they are normally experts at anticipating dangerous financial practices and proactively regulating mammoth banks.

Most surprising was perhaps the cause of the giant mistake, which turned out to be giant douche-bag traders who made a lot of unnecessarily risky bets–

Big ass mistake

Normally, those that work in big-ass finance are totally in touch with reality, and rarely make big-ass mistakes.

extremely rare for the financial industry.