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Twitter to Release CB Radio in 2014

1 Jun

RV enthusiast Norman Anderson, age 68, said CB radios are the future.

Let the Hardware Games begin.

Amid rumors Facebook will release its own smartphone next year, Twitter CEO Dick Costolo held a press conference today announcing his company is also seeking to expand beyond the coded world by developing a CB radio.

“It will be a kind of two-way radio that will allow small numbers of people to listen and talk with each other,” Costolo said. “This thing works even from distances of up to four or five miles.”

Many were quick to criticize Twitter’s new direction, predicting that the technology will only be embraced by truckers and lonely weirdos who can’t afford a truck.

According to former employees of the social media giant, work on the CB radio began in secret almost two years ago. Setbacks have stalled the project several times, most recently a struggle to figure out how to make something that actually exists in the physical world.

The semi-mobile device is planned to replicate some of Twitter’s most popular features, such as spammers posing as women who actually might want to have sex with you.

“With Facebook going public and now working on a smartphone, we at Twitter feel it’s imperative to redouble our efforts in the personal electronics market,” Costolo said. “We have to if we want to maintain our business model of devoting all our resources to copying one small aspect of what Facebook does.”


The Allies Discuss Potential Reunion Tour

22 May

Staff Sergeant Walt Dickerson was a roadie with the Allies during their original European tour.

Global supergroup The Allies, which officially broke up 67 years ago, met this weekend at Camp David to discuss reuniting for one last European tour.

The group reached the height of its international renown in the early 1940s. It disbanded shortly after its explosive yet controversial tour through Japan in the summer of 1945, though many critics point to the group’s wildly successful German tour as the cause of the ideological differences that ultimately split the members apart.

“The unexpected triumph of that spring tour through Germany really went to the head of some of The Allies,” said Dr. Alan Stepwell, professor of International Relations at Berklee College of Music and one of the preeminent scholars on the group’s history. “The cracks between the American and Russian members in particular were very deep, even before they traveled to Japan.”

Most members of The Allies, as well as the majority of their fans, sided with New Wave innovator United States and its band of brothers NATO in its embarrassingly public dispute with Russian-led band–Warsaw Pact, a darker, techno-infused endeavor that is often described as “depressing” yet “captivating.”  Only in the past 20 years have both sides been able to put aside their differences and collaborate again, but not as part of the collective that catapulted them to global prominence.

That all might change, as President Barack Obama met this weekend with many former Allies members.  Invited to join in this special reunion were new additions Japan and Italy, two former members of Axis Powers, the only group to ever compete with The Allies on an international stage.  German Chancellor Angela Merkel also attended the meeting to discuss a potential repeat of The Allies’ dominating Berlin performance during the spring of 1945.

“Right now the only question is the economics of the situation, and how much The Allies expect the German people to fund this extravaganza,” said Chancellor Merkel, adding that she would “love nothing more” than to facilitate a reunion of The Allies since the first tour had clearly brought so much benefit to Germany and its citizens.