103 Year-Old Astrology Expert Calls CNN Sensational

16 May

Although CNN vehemently denies its 24 hour news network largely produces sensational infotainment, a 103 year-old one-legged former marine turned astrologist, thinks otherwise.

Curtis Jepsen, who shares a surname with rising pop star Carly Rae Jepsen (HOT NEW SINGLE available for itunes download!) is the only astrologist to have correctly predicted the royal wedding dress worn by Kate Middleton in 2011.

Mr. Jepsen utilized viral videos and the position of the moon to predict that Kate Middleton would wear a breathtaking all white Chantilly Lace Alexander Mcqueen Gown (available for online purchase!).

Now Jepsen is claiming he received paranormal brainwave signals from a newly discovered star cluster indicating that CNN was only reporting on stories with shock value in order to sell news.

Experts on the Mayan calendar say news of these alien signals have renewed concerns over an apocalypse in the year 2012. Knews Corp plans to extensively research the correlation between these signals and the Mayan calendar in order to report on the most important story of the year, first.

CNN responded to Mr. Jepsen’s criticisms by pointing out their pertinent headlines including– Breastfeeding: How long is too long?, Flesh-eating Bug Victim is ‘Fighting’, and Alaska Grizzly Missing Half a Leg— as hard-hitting investigative journalism that drives at the most important issues facing humanity today.

Knews Corp, as a fair, balanced, and strictly non-sensational news conglomerate stands by CNN in their brave coverage of these incredible stories.

Medical Mystery: Selfless American Teen

15 May

Doctors are struggling to diagnose and treat an American teenager, Louis Pearson, who is exhibiting symptoms of a rare and possibly social life threatening condition.

The Pearson family became concerned when Louis started experiencing abnormally low levels of narcissism at school.  But they didn’t begin to expect medical selflessness until after he failed to add his canned food drives and volunteer tutoring sessions to his college resume.

“When Louis told me he didn’t care about bolstering his high school portfolio as long as he could help people, I knew he was very, very sick” said Louis’s mother, Cindy Pearson.

The Pearson family decided to begin medical testing after Louis’s refusal to audition for the lead role in Jersey Boys, despite being the “best goddamn tenor” at Cedar Ridge High.  By that point, Louis was exhibiting daily symptoms of selflessness that could no longer go untreated.

“He was ambivalent to the facebook and twitter accounts we set up for him.  He wouldn’t blog, and he started skipping tap, piano, and soccer practice in order to volunteer,” sighed Mrs. Pearson “…I just hope they can fix my son.”

Doctors so far have been baffled by Louis’s condition, and are concerned an official diagnosis of medical selflessness could reverse findings that the condition was eradicated in the United States by the end of the 1980s.

“Louis’s condition is extremely unique.  Young people in America, in this generation, need a robust amount of healthy self-aggrandization in order to continue normal brain function.  What we’re seeing in this case is a frighteningly low level of self-promotion,” explains Dr. Hal Andrews of the University of Virginia Medical center.

After consulting with numerous physicians for second opinions and receiving similar feedback, the Pearsons are struggling to come to terms with the possibility of raising a selfless teen.

“It’s every mother’s dream to raise a show-stopper who can make the other moms jealous.  And I suppose I will never have the motherly privilege of buying him headshots and an apartment in Brooklyn so that he can go to auditions–but I’m trying to just remember he’s still my son… and we can market this condition to someone I’m sure of it… I just have to think of a way.”

Google Learns of Yahoo after CEO Quits

14 May

Employees at Google’s global headquarters first learned of the existence of search engine competitor Yahoo.com today after CEO Scott Thompson resigned his post.

Google Associate Albert Choi was reading about Thompson’s resignation on Monday when he had the sudden epiphany that the company in question, Yahoo.com, actually existed.

“At first I did a double take, then I showed my colleagues and we all had a good laugh,” said Choi.

Reactions to the existence of a company attempting to compete with Google’s pervasive search engine dominance were mixed.  At least one Google executive was overheard wondering if people “Yahoo’d things?”, but in general the existence of a competitor seemed laughably unthreatening.

“I was mostly mystified.  I’m curious if they have like, a Yahoo Earth or Yahoo Docs or Yahoo Images…?”  mused Google cofounder Larry Page.

Some Google employees seemed vaguely annoyed that Yahoo also had a goofy, nonsensical, company name.  But others thought it might be a form of flattery.

“Really, it’s cute.  It’s sort of like when my son gets on his tricycle and rides around with me on my road bike.  He just wants to be me,” mentioned Google Search Optimizer Leo Phillips.

Yahoo.com declined Knewscorp’s request for an interview, making it impossible to objectively confirm their existence.

Many Google employees previously thought Yahoo headquarters was a Children’s museum.


Giant Bank Makes Giant Mistake, Everyone Super Surprised

11 May

A gigantic bank has made a gigantic mistake stunning an enormous number of people.

JP Morgan Chase, a big-ass-bank that combined two moderately-big-ass-banks in the year 2000, surprised even itself on Wednesday with $2bn losses, since normally big-ass banks never make  mistakes like gambling with gargantuan sums of other peoples’ money.

“It’s like, these bankers are so smart & big & stuff.  I usually love how they just plug my money into a computer and more money comes out!” said Herb Martin, a father of two and avid bank account opener.

US lawmakers were also super surprised since they are normally experts at anticipating dangerous financial practices and proactively regulating mammoth banks.

Most surprising was perhaps the cause of the giant mistake, which turned out to be giant douche-bag traders who made a lot of unnecessarily risky bets–

Big ass mistake

Normally, those that work in big-ass finance are totally in touch with reality, and rarely make big-ass mistakes.

extremely rare for the financial industry.

Blind Dissident’s Seeing Eye Dog Detained

2 May

On the same day Chinese political dissident Chen Guancheng left the US embassy in Beijing to be reunited with his family, Chinese authorities have detained his seeing eye dog, Mr. Bones.

Bones is accused of aiding and abetting an enemy of the state, and assisting in the Guancheng escape from house arrest. Although no formal charges have been pressed, the dog has been kept under close watch for 24 hours and checked for fleas.  He was taken into a police substation in downtown Beijing early Wednesday morning for questioning and booster shots.

Authorities could not be reached for comment about the legality of detaining the dog without bringing formal charges against him, but a local street vendor told Knewscorp it was common practice in China to treat both human and canine prisoners all like dogs.

“I am not surprised at all for how they are treating  Mr. Bones.  But if he works with Guancheng, he is a cool customer and will be tough to crack. I guarantee you this dog will not talk. [Because he is a dog]. ”

Putin Upsets Zyuganov!

5 Mar
Vlad

Mr. Putin seemed equally surprised after hearing news of his upset victory, saying "I'm like totally, legitimately, super surprised about this... But okay I'll be president again."

In a surprising turn of events that can only be described as unprecedented, underdog candidate Vladimir Putin has stunned Gennady Zyuganov with an upset victory in the 2012 Russian Presidential election.

Mr. Putin will become one of only four Russian Federation presidents to be elected since the collapse of the Soviet Union, for only the third time in his life.

The Russian people paid little attention to Putin as a serious contender for the presidency due to his sincere retirement to the position of Prime Minister following his presidential term in 2008.

“He is like zee Michael Jordan of Mother Russia!” exclaimed former Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko.

Many Russians were ecstatic to hear of the upset.  A silent majority of the country suspected Zyuganov was manipulating the elections from his position of power as a government outsider.

“Putin is so honest and humble, while Zyuganov is all ego.  I am so proud that Russia has elected a sensitive candidate who cares about the country more than himself.” Said one Lomonosov Moscow State University student.

Current president Dmitry Medvedev was also shocked by the landslide victory, citing Putin’s lack of interest in the Medvedev administration and his listless involvement in the United Russia party.

“Wow… I didn’t even know he was still in Moscow!  I thought maybe he had moved to St. Petersburg to retire or something.  We really haven’t even spoken since 2008… like seriously what a surprise, ya?”  Exclaimed Medvedev.

Gamer Sees Shadow, Six More Weeks of Mom’s Basement

2 Feb

Local gamer Phil Donaldson finally emerged from his comfortable enclave beneath the living room of his mom’s two-story flat in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania last Tuesday.

Unfortunately, the 23-year-old former college student immediately returned to the basement after seeing light for the first time in two months and getting seriously depressed about his shadow.

Phil has been hyper-gaming all winter, a natural seasonal habit of spineless adult mammals that work at Dominoes after earning a bachelor’s degree in International Studies.

In the small town of Punxsutawney, Phil’s emergence from the basement has become a spectacle for local friends and family.  It is fast becoming a yearly tradition to gather in the living room of the Donaldson residence to discover if Phil will spend time with people again, or if they will have to put up with six more weeks of Skyrim sounds and foul body odor.

Since hyper-gamers lose the ability to socialize and speak fluent English, Tad Hart, Phil’s best friend and former gamer, often has to translate mind numbing rants about magicka level and alchemy into a coherent message for the public.

“Well sometimes he just mumbles excuses like ‘I’ve got some things to finish up in my office’ or ‘Don’t worry about calling, I lost my phone charger’ which I always know means six more weeks of gaming” said Hart.

“The video game speak is tough,” he added.  “Usually  ‘I’m questing ’ means  ‘I’m bingeing on Totino’s pizza rolls and checking the forums’”

Tad takes pride in his ability to translate Phil’s video game babble and has started dressing in a signature long coat and tall bowler cap to distinguish himself from the crowd on the day of the emergence.  Phil’s mom shares the honor of wearing the traditional garb since she is the sole year-round caretaker of the gamer.

Last year, Phil emerged from the basement around 11pm under overcast skies, and it is believed that in total darkness the gamer felt comfortable enough to play a game of Battlefield team deathmatch in the kitchen due to similarities with his natural habitat.

But this year, Phil has decisively indicated he will remain in his mom’s basement for at least another 6 weeks.

“Eff this,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes on his way back down the basement stairs.

Which Tad happily translated as gamer for “Fuck this.”