Tag Archives: politics

Romney Drinks Reagan Blood at Auction

29 May

Ann Romney said she supports her husband’s decision to drink the blood.

Mitt Romney easily outbid his opponents on Tuesday for a vial of former president Ronald Reagan’s blood, which he then immediately ingested.

The PFC Auction house announced Thursday that it had cancelled the auction in response to complaints from family and friends of the late president. But by Monday morning, Capitol Hill was abuzz with the news that the auction was still on, its cancellation a rumor spread by Republican strategists to try and avoid criticism of the high profile bidders, including Rupert Murdoch and Sarah Palin.

The bidding reached a feverish pace and skyrocketed to $30,000 when Mr. Romney bid the gym socks he plays squash in, which are made of solid gold and together worth more than $2 million.

Upon hearing his name finalized as the winning bidder, the presidential hopeful pushed past the auctioneer and seized the vial before ravenously downing the contents.

“The vial was calling my name,” Mr. Romney explained. “It’s not everyday you get to ingest a spiritual relic, even if you’re a Mormon.”

Although Romney played off the stunt as another quirky maneuver motivated by his oddball religion, the Obama campaign said his blood sucking was purely a political calculation.

“Polls are showing Tea Party conservatives believe he’s actually part Reagan now,” said Obama campaign staffer James Guralt, “He saw the numbers coming in, and was hankering to drink some Gipper juice.”

A USA Today poll also indicated the blood drinking played well with women ages 18-65 that are fans of the Twilight Saga.

“Wait he’s an actual vampire?” said Pres. Barack Obama in an official question released by the White House Tuesday.

Despite the obvious political pandering of the blood drinking, many are speculating the move was simply a sad, desperate attempt at an impossible emulation.  Romney’s mother said in February that the Republican Presidential contender would pretend to be Ronald Reagan in front of the bathroom mirror when he was a governor.

Romney reported he’s felt “no substantial changes” in his leadership abilities a few hours after ingesting the blood, but added that he expects to experience “natural facial movements for the first time, and possibly even a charismatic moment,” in the months leading up to the election.

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